A Healthy Relationship Should Look Like This

As human beings, we all desire relationships. There have been numerous studies and theories on relationships that show a positive correlation between relationships and happiness, and we as people report that relationships are the best parts of our lives. This can be seen in friendships, romantic relationships, familial relationships, and work relationships, as these are the most common that we encounter on a daily basis. However, as you begin to form relationships, it is important that we recognize if they are healthy for your well-being. 

Sometimes, people will form a bond or a relationship from an unhealthy trait or habit, and this leads to toxic relationships. This is what we do not recommend you do, as these relationships tend to have a harsher than expected end, or they leave you with thoughts of low self-esteem, unhealthy views of relationships, or a combination of these. This is why we want to talk to you about the components of healthy relationships that are important to keep at the forefront of all of the relationships you have. 

Open communication is one of the most important components of a relationship. This is because we get to understand other people through communication. Communication includes speaking, but more importantly listening, and not just using the ability of your ears, but actively listening to the other person. Take heed to what they are saying about their likes, dislikes, preferences, boundaries, and more because this will allow them to express their true feelings and outlook on life. This way, you can learn to accept the real them, and they can accept the real you. Communication breaks down all falsities of who you think the other person is and allows you to both see each other and form a true and honest relationship. 

The next important component of a healthy relationship is honesty and trust. Honesty and trust go a long way within any relationship because they are the confidence that you build with one another. Trust is defined as a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something, and that is exactly what the relationship must stand upon. Trust allows you to place confidence in the person that you are in a relationship with and leaves no room for doubt or insecurity. Trust is also something that must continue to build on a regular basis in order for the relationship to last. 

The last component of a healthy relationship that we want to share is effort. Relationships require both people to place optimal effort in order for the relationship to grow. Effort can look like giving words of affirmation, doing acts of service, giving or receiving a gift, spending quality time, or physical touch. These are popularly coined as “love languages,” and we like this term because relationships require a level of effort that makes sense to the people in the relationship. This may look different for each relationship that you have, but once you establish what works for you and the other person, stick to it. Each person that puts in the effort will then feel as though they are being treated fairly in the relationship, which is healthy for both parties. 

There are so many more components to a healthy relationship, and we want to help you dive into what that looks like for your life. Click here to book a session with us, and let’s get you started on the journey to forming healthy long-term relationships. 

The Importance of Reflection

A new year means there is an opportunity to reflect on the past year and look forward to what is to come. Now, I don’t want you to think that this is a time for “should’ve, would’ve, could’ve” thoughts. Rather, I want you to utilize the month of January as a way to see what you have accomplished, what you are looking forward to achieving, and how you are going to prioritize your well-being.

Reflections are important because they allow you to stop and take a moment to pivot from the day-to-day that we so often get caught up in. You can reflect by taking out a journal and separating your paper into three sections. At the top of the first section, write “Start,” in the middle section of the page, write “Resume,” and finally, at the top of the final section, write “Stop.” These sections are a good catalyst for three things to reflect on. Ask yourself these three questions:

1. What do I need to start doing this year?

2. What do I need to resume doing this year?

3. What do I need to stop doing this year?

Be honest with yourself when answering these questions in your journal, and write your answers to these questions. This will allow you to see the good habits that you have developed, the goals that you want to achieve this year, and create boundaries for yourself in order to stop doing specific things. In order to grow into the best version of yourself, you have to begin by being honest. Once the window of honesty is opened, the possibilities are endless because you are able to look at things with a clear and open view. 

So, don’t be afraid to start the year off with a little bit of reflection. It will help the rest of your year align in the way that it should go. I highly recommend that you implement monthly or quarterly reflection periods, so that you create a habit of looking at the glass half full, seeing where you can grow, and then becoming who you are meant to be. 

Happy New Year!

You Have To Focus On You

Healing is a word that can mean many different things to many different people. Going through the healing process, or calling yourself healed after a traumatic event or circumstance proves that life is an ever-changing journey, filled with seasons that we cannot predict. But, how does one heal? 

How does one self-heal?

Self-healing is the process of recovery that is motivated by and directed by a person that is often guided by instinct. Our nature allows us to be protective to ourselves and our surroundings, so self-healing is your mental response to the very core of who you are. As you are intentionally creating a space for yourself to heal, it is important to place habits in your life that take up time in order to shift your energy level, your mood, and thus cause self-healing to occur. 

You may be thinking, why is it important to heal? Well, let me be the first to say that healing is a continuous process that is important to your overall health and wellness. Not only does unhealed trauma have an effect on your mind, it can also have long-term effects on your body. In order to live life in a fulfilled way, self-healing must be a part of each season in our lives. 

Just remember, it starts with the mind-shift that must take place and the implementing habits that can support your healing.

Here are 5 ways that you can practice self-healing on a regular basis.

1. Meditate. Take 5 minutes out of your day to center yourself. Play sounds of nature, and be one with yourself. Close your eyes and focus on nothing but the sounds of nature. 

2. Breathe Intentionally. Feel each and every breath that goes in your nose and out of your mouth. You can also combine this technique with meditating for a more focused experience.

3. Eat well. Eating well not only improves the physical condition of the body, it provides you with greater energy throughout the day and gives your brain the nutrients that it needs. 

4. Rest- Sleep is the most important because your body needs to rest itself to heal and get stronger. Aim for at least 7 hours of sleep.

5. Yoga. This is a great way to move your body while also practicing a state of calmness. Whether it is a group class or a solo virtual session, yoga helps you to relax, center you and lessen distress.

If you are struggling with healing in your life, schedule a call to chat with one of our therapists.  Click here to book a session with one of our licensed professionals, who are ready to see you get well. We are ready to support you in your journey to healing.

Fighting An Invisible Disease

At times life can be difficult, and I mean really difficult. Trials and tribulations of life can make us question our purpose, where our life is going, and cause us to face what is coined “invisible disease.” An invisible disease is a sickness that cannot be seen at first glance by the human eye, but it infects and affects our mental state of mind. In fact, if an invisible disease is not treated, it can lead to very detrimental results. 

Some examples of invisible diseases can include depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, PTSD and more. All of these diseases have different root causes, and have to be handled in a special way. So the question becomes, what do you do about the illness inside of you that no one knows about? What do you do when you feel like you can’t heal or work through your invisible illness? How can you take care of yourself as you are fighting to get better? This is no easy feat, but when you proactively make the choice to fight against an invisible disease, you will win. Your healing towards better health and wellness is important to your livelihood, which is why we recommend doing these things in your daily life. 

1. Journal and reflect on the thoughts that you have towards your invisible disease. Holding everything in is not good for your psyche, because it can cause an eruption, similar to a volcano. Instead, make it a habit to release how you feel by writing it down. This will allow you to organize your thoughts and get clarity on where this disease came from, and how to directly handle the root of the issue. Journaling also gives your brain a break from the built up stress, and studies have shown that expressive writing can lower blood pressure and improve liver functionality. 

2. Speak to yourself in a positive manner. This retrains your brain to think positive thoughts about yourself, and it allows your body to release dopamine, which is a neurotransmitter in the brain that helps you feel good or pleasurable. The more that you practice positive speaking, the more likely your brain is to release positive feelings about yourself. This not only affects your brain, but it trickles down to your self-esteem, your relationship with yourself, and your overall outlook on life. 

3. Eat well and get plenty of sleep. Believe it or not, our mental health is highly affected by the things we put in our bodies, and how we psychically take care of our bodies. This is why it is so important to sleep for at least 7-9 hours, drink water regularly, and avoid drinking and smoking. What we put in our bodies affects our brain and bodily function, so transitioning to a healthier lifestyle can also help with fighting an invisible disease. 

This is only a short list of tips that help to fight the invisible diseases that life may bring us. Just like a medical disease, we don’t know when or how an invisible disease will come, but the key is recognizing that we need to heal, and taking the necessary steps to do so. Healing can come in so many forms, but once you make the commitment to be well, things will fall into place as you do the work.

If you or anyone you know is struggling with an invisible disease, please contact us for additional tips that you can use to heal. Or click here to book a session with one of our licensed professionals, who are ready to see you get well. 

Improving Your Self-Esteem

We define self-esteem as confidence in one’s own abilities, talents, and a high form of self-respect. But the question is, how do we get to healthy and high self-esteem within ourselves? This also proves itself to be a large area that is talked about in counseling, because our life experiences tend to affect our self-esteem. 

So how do we create, maintain, and improve our self-esteem? This is a multi-faceted answer because this is not an overnight process. Rather, it is a continual journey that we find ourselves facing every day. 

You can start this process by identifying the negative thoughts about yourself, and challenging yourself. If you have negative thought patterns about the way you look, for example, challenge those thoughts patterns by thinking positively about your outer appearance. If something has happened to you that has made you feel less, think about how you have grown from that experience. Let that be the catalyst for an opposing and positive thought, and use that as a guiding light to higher self-esteem. 

Improving your self-esteem can also be in the form of affirmations. The mind is a very powerful tool, and when we think positive thoughts and then say them with our words, our outcomes have a great effect. This is why affirmations are so important. They give us strength behind our thoughts, and over time can shift our mindset to higher and healthier self-esteem. Affirmations can be as simple as “I love myself,” or something like “I choose to embrace who I am, exactly as I am.” Regardless of what you choose to say to yourself, let it be positive, let it reflect the best version of yourself, and let it be healthy. 

Finally, self-esteem can be improved through an active lifestyle through exercise. When we exercise on a regular basis, our bodies produce a great number of chemicals called endorphins. Endorphins then interact with your brain and trigger a positive feeling in the body, and thus give you happier feelings. Not only does exercise do our self-esteem good, but it also does your body, brain, and overall health good. What could be better than that!

Remember that improving self-esteem is not something that happens over a day, month, or even year. So, as you go through the process of improving your self-esteem, give yourself grace and space to embrace all that you are. There is only one you.

Here at Insights Therapeutic Services, we are committed to making your mental health a priority. Click here to request an appointment with us, and let’s support you so that you can thrive organically.

Navigating Life’s Transitions

By nature, life presents us with changes, new seasons, and transitions. For some of us, it may mean moving from one city to another after living in one place for so long. It may mean breaking up a relationship after years of being together. Or, it may mean coping with the death of a loved one. No matter the circumstances that we face, the emotions associated with life’s transitions must be identified and confronted in a positive and healthy way. 

When you think about how you currently handle a transition, do you find yourself embracing it or turning away from it? Do you tend to ask questions to seek clarity, or do you criticize the purpose behind the transition? Oftentimes, we find ourselves so used to the status quo of our day-to-day lives, that we reject change because of what it means. Transition can symbolize a fear in some, open up a past wound that has not been confronted, or allow us to deny the opportunities for good to come with this new season. 

As you notice a new transition embarking in your life, prioritize your mental health. Take note of how new changes make you feel, and how you tend to react to them. If you need to, speak to a professional about them.

Also, feel free to use these tips and techniques to cope with navigating life’s transitions:

*Journal the emotions that you feel about a current (or upcoming) transition. Be raw and honest with yourself about how you feel

*Set your thoughts on positive emotions that change can bring in your life. 

* Create affirmations around the transition. For example, you can say “I am moving into this new city with excitement, joy, and expectation of great things.”

*Realign your priorities. With the hustle and bustle that a new transition can bring, it is important to ensure that you control the priorities that you can control, and focus on only that.

*Check your thought patterns. Be sure that you are in the present of each change that is happening, and recognize how your thoughts reflect your actions. 

So, when you notice that a transition is about to arrive in your life, welcome the unfamiliar with open arms. Always remember, working through the unfamiliar is what will create familiarity for you!

Here at Insights Therapeutic Services, we are committed to making your mental health a priority. Click here to request an appointment with us, and let’s support you so that you can thrive organically.

Are You Over It?

The pandemic has stretched the patience and endurance of many. The year 2020 forced us to work outside our normal routines and it has gone on for so long we have a new normal…but this year 2021, right as we were brainstorming on how to get back to our 2019 activities…we realize this way of living in a pandemic may be even longer. 

Returning to life is still possible. You still CAN enjoy life. You can still work on your dreams and your passions – just differently. Have you ever thought maybe you are putting your ideas and way of living in a box? Our old way of socializing was only one way. Think outside the box and create alternatives to live life. The virus has mutated, and we can adapt. Remember we have intelligence and humans have adjusted through several adjustments.

What can you do to help yourself and others?

• Do your research. Media can send out messages, but trust your intellect and read.

• Find alternative ways to celebrate milestones and each other in non-conventional settings. Just because you always did it that way doesn’t mean it’s the only way to do it.

• Dating is hard right now; however, think outside the box to meet people where they are – they are likely looking to carry on with their love life too.

• Start or continue to work on projects that remind you of how awesome you are.

• Be encouraged to ask for help when you need it; there’s no reward for suffering in silence.

Continue your path to becoming who you are with all your courage, meaningful relationships, and ideas. Continue to plant your seeds; they will take root!

Self-Judgement Versus Self-Awareness

What’s your real opinion of yourself? Do you find fault in all that you do? Is your self-talk primarily negative talk? 

This is a running theme we see in counseling; clients often have a negative view of themselves that manifests itself into self sabotaging thinking and behavior, inability to take compliments, and lots of harsh judgment. Do you think that if you judge yourself enough that you will eventually live up to the perfection you have in your mind and at that point it is ok to love yourself? 

There’s a difference between self-awareness and self-judging. One has nothing to do with the other and you do not need one to have the other. 

The judgment that we have for ourselves is born out of the act of comparing ourselves to others and an ongoing recognition that we have not reached our goal; meaning we are not successful. We have a difficult time creating personal and professional goals because we have convinced ourselves that we aren’t going to succeed in that way. We have essentially trained ourselves to say, “you are not as good as them!” This mindset typically has an origin of failed attempts or being told “no” – so we give up. Giving up supports the judgment and we convince ourselves it’s true. 

Self judgement breeds fear, anxiety, anger, and cycles of depression. Some may engage in judging themselves first before others do it as a sense of motivation, but to be so critical of yourself can lead to stagnation. 

How is this different from self-awareness? Self-awareness is not about finding fault within yourself. It is more so being aware of self judgement and how often you pick yourself apart. You can interrupt your habit of self judgement by looking at yourself more objectively. Work on understanding your patterns of behavior, thought, and feeling and how it dictates your interactions within the world around you. 

Self-awareness is primarily about the ability to pay so much attention to yourself that you get you! With an increase in self- awareness your relationships can be revamped. You can say to someone, “I’m aware of my behavior and I recognize how it impacts you.” Your pattern of decision making is changed because you are aware of the choices that truly impact you. You’re able to compartmentalize thoughts, emotions, and behavior. It allows you to slow down and say, “is this my issue or someone else’s.” Essentially, an increased sense of self can change you and the relationships you maintain. To increase your sense of self, I recommend you do this:

*Start by paying attention to the things that rub you the wrong way.

*Pay attention to how others interact with you as an increased awareness.

*Slow down and observe the world around you more. 

*Identify the things that trigger you and the situations that you avoid as a result. Then, learn to manage your thoughts and emotions. 

*Become more mindful of how you speak of yourself and others.

*Be intentional about how you engage with others. Eliminate the comparisons because this is not the time for competition. 

*Review your value system.

Why Coping Skills Are Important

What are they? Why are they so important? Where do I get them? These are all valid questions when you’re asked, “what are you doing to cope?”. It would be great if we had a laundry list of healthy coping skills on hand, but the truth is we learn by watching how others cope. 

It never occurred to me when growing up that some behaviors I observed were people “coping”. Coping with “life happening”, things they could not control and issues that had become chronic and just wanted to escape. What they were trying to escape was never obvious but seeing the relief a person had when they got that puff from a cigarette was a sign. Over time hearing statements like “I need a drink” or “I like being high because I’m calmer” were evident that some of this must be learned too. People are not just creating these vices, some of them are taught. They were being taught how to cope with whatever life throws at them from watching those around them and assuming that is works or that’s what everyone does. 

There are many but some of the most common coping vices are drugs, alcohol, sex, food, shopping, smoking cigarettes and even WORKING! Unfortunately, as most of us have experienced; they don’t work for long and they often become bad habits that do more harm than good. This is where drug addiction, hypersexuality, overeating (and food restrictions), “retail therapy” become problematic. We must be honest with ourselves; they do not help. There has to be a limit to all things. Even those working long hours, working out or just scrolling social media have to be careful. Too much of anything has a point where it starts as a “mental getaway” and ends with a barrage of negative thoughts, emotions and burn out. It’s understandable that if we are not careful, the very thing that was supposed to help becomes uncontrollable. The purpose of coping tools is to help alleviate tension, change perspective (or emotions) and give a mental break from racing thoughts or overthinking an issue. 

A review of current coping tools/vices are reviewed often in therapy sessions. We identify a way to measure the reduction of poor coping tools and the increase of healthier ones. The goal is to change the scales and balance what you can. There has to be a truth moment with yourself about how you are dealing with your stressors, poorly managed relationships and issues that are not within your control. Coping tools are important because they help us do just that – cope – deal with things. 

Things like mindfulness that helps you tap into your awareness and consciousness so that your response to issues are aligned. There are several ways to meditate so research them and see what may be helpful for you. Coloring, gardening, reading a new book, writing your thoughts (journaling), blowing up balloons, painting or even singing can be helpful. The thing that tends to throw people off about coping skills is the need for them to be done often and even better in a routine. It’s unrealistic to believe that when you are “in need” that these coping tools will occur to you. At that point the coping skill cannot match the intense feelings you are experiencing. You will likely become frustrated and convince yourself that they do not work. If you are consistent and aware of what each coping tool does for you – you can create a long list of coping skills for yourself that you only need to adjust at times of high anxiety, stress or frustration. As you slowly eliminate the old habits, you will eventually replace them with some that are much healthier.  

The bottom line is if what you are doing is no longer healthy and helpful, you need to explore more. Most things work when used appropriately and become second nature. Engaging in therapy is not always about your past but this where together we identify the source of some poor habits and reveal what you need today.   

Are You A “People Pleaser”?

Do you apologize often? Do you have difficulty saying “no”? Do you feel uncomfortable when people are displeased with you? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you likely engage in people pleasing behavior. 

Most people believe this behavior comes from a place of general kindness or genuinely wanting to see other people happy. There is a difference. Building healthy relationships do not require your sacrifice. Unfortunately, it screams “I’ll take on your discomfort so that you’re comfortable and okay with me.” You’re hoping they will see you as a team player, easy to work with or accommodating; and like so many others you will find yourself feeling disconnected, disrespected and lonely.

Your need for validation and affirmation from others runs much deeper than wanting to avoid conflict. Taking the time to explore why you get caught up in this cycle is very important. Your sense of self is the price you pay when you put other people’s comfort ahead of your own. Most people have fluctuations in their self-esteem because life happens. As a therapist, we find a common denominator of low of self-worth, self-acceptance, self-love and confidence. When a person is lacking these components, it is a breeding ground for believing “if you’re happy, I’m happy.”

When you are describing stressful and toxic relationships, I encourage you to take an audit of your behavior in the interactions. You may find that you display people pleasing attributes even for people that you dislike. It’s to be expected that relationships of all kinds require some give and take, but it is impossible to nurture authentic relationships with a need to be liked and accepted. 

How to Break the Cycle?

1. Put some boundaries in place! Boundaries create safe spaces for you and tell others where to stop. But remember you have to enforce these. No one will know if you don’t protect it.

2. Say yes to you more! It’s self-care! Before you say yes to others, evaluate your plate. Just because your plate is almost empty does not mean you are free to take on things from other people. Let them manage their own plate.

3. Check your cup! Your cup belongs to you and you have to manage the contents. When you cup is half full – you are running low. This is where you take a step back, restore, recharge and reboot to refill your cup. When you start to run over – you can resume assessing the needs of others.

4. Use assertive communication! This means that you take a stand without explanation. There is no fluff (justifying why) because you need to be clear. Assertiveness removes the inclination to say more. The person on the receiving end of your “no” is their issue – not yours. Let them manage the discomfort.

5. Love on you! You can start by asking yourself “what about me?” You have a choice and its lovely when you choose you! Do it often so that you become accustomed to it and embrace it.

If you find these tips difficult, I encourage you to reach out to a mental health professional to help you take a deep dive into your patterns of thinking, behavior and emotional health. Just in case you didn’t know – therapy is a form of self-love. IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU!