Five Ways to Stop Staying Too Long

Why would anyone stay in a relationship longer than they have to?

Why would anyone continue to work at a job with no movement?

Why haven’t you moved on?

These are the questions that can keep us up at night and make us lose focus throughout the day. Recurrent questions of “why” and “what if” plays over and over again in your head. You talk about your situation to whomever is willing to listen to the point of exhaustion, yet you are still there. I get it!

You invested time, energy and you process levels upon levels of emotions. You have convinced yourself that there is a reward at the end for the time you’ve given a situation. You have expectations from time spent. Your ability to stay longer than necessary is built on negative thinking patterns, past traumas and maladaptive coping skills that you’ve probably had all your life and you try your best not to speak on them. 

Guilt and regret run together. This is coming from you knowing your situation is not healthy. The idea of detaching from the people, place and things that trigger the feelings from past hurts is familiar. But this is where you will feel like you are harming yourself; it’s that internal fight we call cognitive dissonance. You know that your situation does not align with your values, ideals and beliefs yet you continue to participate in the cycles of stress. 

Clients that come through our doors often have underlying low self-worth. It can feel like a double-edged sword when you know leaving is the answer but the idea of leaving and starting over feels overwhelming. As a result, you stack your reasons to stay in “it” because change just might be catastrophic. We fear the judgment of others and sometimes want to prove we have the ability to withstand. Do you really want to prove you can live in toxicity? How does that build your self-worth? 

The shame and fear mounts and will trick you into thinking you have to be more understanding, have more sex, reduce your standards or “start over”. The truth that wakes you up at night is your nervous system saying we are overloaded from trying to work against knowing we deserve better. Thoughts such as “I’m over it”, “I have nothing left” and “I’m depleted”. The most common reason we hear people stay too long is because they are simply afraid. We know all too well how fear can interrupt our thoughts of having the things we want even if the current situation is toxic. Fear of the unknown is valid! However, is it the first time you’ve had fears and did what needed to be done anyway? 

What are you proving by staying? What you need is on the other side of the distorted version of “safety” you are sitting in. You have convinced yourself that you are safe; that it’s not that bad. If you aren’t sleeping well, you’re emotionally eating, you have repeated visions of living a “better” life and the symptoms of depression and anxiety are piling up – then it is THAT bad and you ARE NOT comfortable. Here’s five places you can start. You can do this! 

1. Acknowledge you are not actually stuck. You feel stuck. You are afraid of disrupting the normal toxic routine. 

2. You are worthy! Aren’t you worth fighting that fear? If you are visualizing the better life, that means you have a new destination and assignment to create that for yourself. Mediocrity is no longer acceptable. You demonstrate your worth by choosing you.

3. People will always talk. They will talk about what they know, and they will make up stuff to fill in the gaps. Do it anyway! What you share is up to you but know that as soon as you take the opinions of others into consideration you are no longer living for yourself.

4. You aren’t being selfish. You have to utilize the resources. You have the time, the opportunity, the motivation and the resources to do what’s necessary.

5. Adjust your expectations. You are changing which means your expectations have changed as well. You want better! 

I’ve stayed too long in more situations than I bear to mention. I was not groomed to ask for the best of everything, so I allowed myself to be complacent in some of the most toxic environments. Looking back on it, I thought it was a part of life. I wanted to “settle into it” and not be a complainer, I wanted to “look happy” like everyone else but I was eating my feelings, sleeping more to escape my reality and lying about my life to seek some validation from others. Once I learned that I was worth it and that I could create it I pushed back on my fears. I was off to change my life! Did I get everything right – nope – but I was able to say with conviction that I was worth the risk! 

How to Deal with Adjustment Disorder

The most predictable facet of life is its unpredictability. When we expect things to zig, they zag. When this happens, many people can be struck with something called adjustment disorder. Adjustment Disorder (sometimes referred to as Stress Response Syndrome) is when one experiences an acute or persistent emotional reaction filled with irrational thoughts and behavior after a major life change. The response is often disruptive and can impact quality of life. These events can trigger a period of adjusting where you experience significant stress and anxiety.

Some common life events include:

● The sudden or impending death of a loved one

● Being diagnosed with a serious or chronic illness

● Being the victim of a crime

● Job changes

● Surviving through a major accident or a disaster

● Significant life changes like getting married, having a baby, going to college, retiring, etc.

Adjustment Disorder differs from diagnoses such as major clinical depression or general anxiety disorder based on the number of symptoms, the intensity and primarily length of time. When managing adjustment disorder the manifestation may present as feeling overwhelmed, difficulty concentrating, withdrawal from others and trouble sleeping. Most of the time we can cope with our ever-changing lives but sometimes our stressors are abrupt, short term and/or intermittent and we simply have difficulty “getting back to normal”.

Typically, people adjust within a few months after a life changing event but when the response to the life disruption is extended, we encourage clients to seek treatment. This is not one size fits all; symptoms will vary from person to person. If you are suffering after a life event, here are some ways you can manage:

1. Seek professional help – Speak with your physician’s office, get into therapy - either one-on-one with a mental health professional or in a group setting to learn the right coping skills to help yourself.

2. Reduce daily stressors – Avoid things that trigger an intense negative reaction for you. Don’t be afraid to say “no” to manage your boundaries for self-care as you adjust.

3. Medicine – Depending on the symptoms a low dose antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication may help reduce the impact and help you identify the appropriate coping skills .

4. Be mindful of your intake – Maintaining a good diet not only helps your body but your mind as well. Try to reduce or eliminate your alcohol or caffeine intake as well.

5. Lean on your support system – Tell your friends and/or family about how you’re feeling. Having someone you trust that to listen without judgment or shaming is invaluable during times of stress.

There is no foolproof way to prevent Adjustment Disorder; but getting help early will lessen your symptoms. If left untreated, it can develop into a more serious condition like major depressive disorder. A licensed mental health professional can teach you ways to cope with stress and anxiety and put you on the path to wellness.

A Time to Fly Even When Afraid

What does fear do to you and for you? What have you allowed it to keep from you? When did you stop fighting it and give in to it? 

So many people ask me how I knew it was time for me to leave my job or how I knew entrepreneurship was for me. They ask, “weren’t you afraid?”. My answer is “ABSOLUTELY!!”

Entrepreneurship was not new to me but the idea of opening my own practice was different. Before becoming a therapist, I was a realtor and although I loved sales and the freedom that came along with it, I wanted to do something else where I could impact lives from a different angle. 

After finishing my counseling program and having various jobs within the mental health industry I toyed around with the idea, but literally had it in the same framework as real estate, thinking, no biggie! Boy was I wrong. I had many reasons why I thought having my own practice really wouldn’t fit my lifestyle. I didn’t want to be responsible for people. I didn’t want to be the face of something else and I didn’t want to have to compete for clients. I was trying to force myself to be like everyone else…working at a large company where I could depend on a check, had PTO, a pension coming and a very nice salary. I was good!

Then it happened. I had an urge. Those darn urges! Thinking “here we go again”. That urge to do something more, something that fit my purpose. So, I asked myself, what would it look like to have a practice? I started having more conversations with others that seemed to make it look easy. These conversations were making me nervous because I kept thinking “I don’t want to do all of that”. Here I was thinking that my response to others came out of my past experiences being an independent contractor as a realtor but what really framed my responses was fear. Fear of putting myself out there, fear of failing, fear of being successful, fear of it not being perfect. 

I toiled a long time about this. Let me say that correctly - I let fear keep me from starting my own practice for over a year. I had many sleepless nights, I found myself talking to anyone I could about how to avoid pitfalls so I could make it “perfect”. I feared taking my family into a financial crisis, I feared I would be seen as selfish for letting go of “safeguards” at a large company to “swim with sharks” on my own. Fear had me messed up!

Then I had a conversation with an old friend from high school that I hadn’t seen or talked since we graduated high school. He said “choose. Stop teetering and choose”. As afraid as I was, I chose! The fear of never knowing who I could become weighed much more than the fear of leaving a job that I could likely go back to if I needed. I was scared then of failing and I’m afraid today of failing but I keep getting up every day doing it anyway. I do it knowing life could happen and I will adjust when needed. I learned that I’m capable of standing up to my fears. I love what I do, and I encourage all those that come with fear to stare it in the face and choose themselves. The worst that could happen is you have to adjust but choose you and be bold enough to do it over and over and over again. 

Setting Goals For The Year Ahead

“Ask for what you want and be prepared to get it.” – Maya Angelou

For many people the end of the year can bring up every emotion imaginable. January is named for the Roman god with two faces, one looking forward and the other back, so it's a time honored tradition to reflect on the year that has been and set our sights on the year ahead.

Channeling the excitement you have about the beginning of a new year into plans that garner results can seem daunting- but here are some tips on Goal Setting for 2021.

#1 Identify What You Want To Accomplish

This is not the time for magical wishes. Being practical and realistic will set you up for success in ways that being overly ambitious will not.

#2 Set Up Benchmarks

Concrete things, "finish lines" that you can reach on a daily, weekly or monthly basis.

#3 Begin Progress Toward Benchmark

Small steps will get you there as long as they are consistent.

#4 Record Your Activity

You want to be able to see what is and what is not working so you can change it up and most importantly so you can…

#5 Celebrate Your Successes

All work and no play is no way to live so treat yourself!

And remember- don't be too hard on yourself. Set backs are often part of the process and is a natural part of learning and growing to have the life you want to live.

Gratitude Can Change Your Life

Gratitude is one of the most overlooked factors in our pursuit of self-improvement and personal well-being.

Although not an external skill that can be learned, gratitude is an innate quality, a potential mindset that exists in each and every one of us. It can be awakened and developed to dramatically change your outlook - and transform your life in ways you never imagined.

Practicing gratitude creates a huge paradigm shift. Suddenly, so many of the things that keep you tossing and turning at night become trivial and meaningless – while the things you should be putting your effort into, the things that have true value and meaning, become crystal-clear. No physical skill can ever transform your life in this way.

I challenge you to count your blessings today. From the moment you wake up until you go to bed, make the intent to notice all the things you are grateful for. There are so many things that we take for granted without giving them a second thought. The challenge is to look around you and notice these things or people and how they make your life easier or happier. Just keep your mind open and be grateful for as many things as you can and watch how things begin to shift for you.

Some Ways to Practice Gratitude

• Keep a gratitude journal in which you list things for which you are thankful. Y

• Make a gratitude collage by drawing or pasting pictures.

• Make a game of finding the hidden blessing in a challenging situation.

• When you feel like complaining, make a gratitude list instead. You may be amazed by how much better you feel.

• Notice how gratitude is impacting your life and write about it.

Once you develop an attitude of a sincere attitude for all the blessings you receive, this unleashes the power for you to receive even more than you already have. It changes your perspective, your focus, and eventually your life.

“It is impossible to feel grateful and depressed in the same moment.” -Naomi Williams

3 Simple Relaxation Techniques For Easing Stress & Anxiety

We all deal with anxiety and stress from time to time. In fact, it’s probably the number one complaint and cause for visits to the doctor’s office. And stress and anxiety can lead to a number of health problems including insomnia and heart disease.

In short, too much stress is a bad thing.

Here are three amazing relaxation techniques to ease anxiety and stress.

#1 Meditate. You’ll be amazed what five minutes of meditation can do for your overall sense of well being. That’s it, five minutes. Contrary to popular belief you don’t have to sit on the floor for an hour and chant. Start with five minutes of focusing on your breathing. As you begin to reap the benefits you’ll want to meditate longer. It’ll improve your physical and emotional health. You’ll not only be able to relax immediately when you’re feeling stressed, you’ll begin to manage stress much better. 

Next time you’re feeling overly anxious or stressed go find a quiet place where you can be undisturbed for five minutes. Sit down so you’re comfortable, on a chair or on the floor, whichever works best. Close your eyes and simply focus on your breathing. As thoughts come into your mind, and they will, don’t judge them or react, simply set them aside and continue to focus on your breathing. You’ll feel so much better – instant relaxation.

#2 Daydream. If you’re struggling with meditation or that’s just not your style, daydream instead. Imagine yourself some place relaxing. Some place that makes you feel happy and free. Find a quiet place, or just close your eyes at your desk, and allow yourself to daydream for five minutes. Make your daydreams as vivid as possible. Imagine what things smell like, what they feel like. What sounds do you hear?  

#3 Change your mindset. They say that we attract what we project. With that line of thinking the more you focus on how stressed you are, the more stress you’re going to feel. You’re going to attract stress and anxiety to you. A quick shift in your mindset, however, can provide instant relaxation. 

Next time you’re feeling stressed or fearful, stop your anxiety ridden thoughts and think about five things you’re grateful for. Think about what brings you joy, about the good people in your life, think about what makes you feel happy and good. Sometimes simply thinking about all that you have that’s good can help make the things that are stressing you out seem quite insignificant.

Stress is a part of our life. Sometimes it’s helpful, sometimes it’s harmful. If you feel you are chronically anxious or if you suffer from anxiety or panic attacks, it’s important to put these three tips to work for you. It’s also important to see a doctor to help determine if you suffer from an anxiety disorder.

Stress and anxiety don’t have to rule your life.

Creating a Better Mood

Is it possible to create a better mood for yourself? Can you do it for others? If it is possible, why isn’t everyone always happy? It seems being happy is preferable to being in a bad mood.

Studies have shown it is possible to improve your mood. It can be as simple as thinking you're in a good mood. If you believe it, your attitude will change. In fact, even when you aren’t in a good mood, the simple act of smiling can perk you up.

One reason why people don’t improve their mood more often is that they don’t know they can. From early childhood, we understand that we have different feelings. Sometimes we will be in a good mood and other times we won’t. Parents and teachers told us it’s just the way it is.

If you want to better your mood, start hanging out with upbeat people. There’s nothing like a sourpuss to bring down a group. These cranky people seem to go out of their way to make sure everyone is miserable. By avoiding these people, you have less chance of being in a bad mood at the start.

Next, create an environment for yourself that lifts your spirits. If a certain type of music gets you pumped, play that music more often. Some people like to burn incense as they feel it can positively alter their moods.

You should reflect on your life and be grateful for what you have. You have a lot to be thankful for if you're in good health. If your family is in good health, you should also be grateful. Your mood will naturally increase towards the positive when you appreciate such things.

Try not to worry about the mundane issues in your life. They are going to happen whether you worry or not. Just take care of them so that they aren’t hanging over your head. Don’t let things build to the point that they become a major matter.

It may seem obvious, but do more things that make you happy and less that don’t. It’s not always possible to avoid adverse situations, but you do have control over most of the activities in your life.

Sometimes, all that is needed is to change up your routine. If you are doing the same activities day in and day out, this can make anyone feel in a bad mood. Try stepping up your game and do something out of the ordinary. In fact, make it a point to do this once every month.

What Did Stress Reveal to Me?

The general consensus is 2020 has been full of stress and will likely go down in history as the most stressful year for a lot of people. Have you paid attention to how the stress has impacted you? Do you feel compressed and overwhelmed? Are your thoughts on the treadmill of your mind? Does problem solving seem to be at an all-time high?

“What we don’t need in the midst of struggle is shame for being human.” – Brene Brown

This quote is such a reminder that most people are doing the best they can with their situations and who are we to shame them? Don’t cover up your stress either! No need to be ashamed and please do not allow others to shame you for having a human response to life altering situations. But you can definitely modify how you use it. I have found that some of my best ideas came from me feeling squeezed by stress. I wear a lot of hats and I know you do to but it’s the way we move in it that will determine the long-term effects. I’ve had hair loss, weight gain (stress eating is a thing), headaches, irritability, isolation and self-defeating behaviors when I could not control my stress. It often led to depression if it went unresolved for too long. This is not to say that I don’t experience those symptoms again; I definitely do, but I no longer suffer such negative consequences as a result.

1. Allow your mind to protect you; it was designed to identify ways to protect you. Allow your stress response to move you into doing and not paralysis. Get organized! Do a brain dump on paper, white board or your phone. Who do you need to call? Where do you need to go? Who do you need to see? Stay current – don’t look too far back or forward. Now is not the time to discuss a five-year plan!

2. You know that stress can weigh down your immune system and make you vulnerable to disease. One sure fire way to use/fight stress is to remind you to take your vitamins, stray away from the junk and/or go sweat it out. For those that stress eat like myself, I tend to find alternatives to what I’m trying to accomplish. This is not a time to work against myself. I want to chew something crunchy and often salty; therefore, I will look for snacks like nuts instead of chips or fries.

3. Stress can be motivating by giving us a rush of energy to do things we loathe and even move through them quickly because we want to check it off of our list. Cleaning, fixing, moving and correcting will often happen because we are “frustrated” or “irritable”. Go ahead – get it done! You might find some answers in that stack of papers you’ve been shuffling around.

4. Some people get a rush from competing. I personally don’t have a competing spirit against others, but I do enjoy outdoing myself and boy do I praise myself when I get it right! I add to my number of strengths and shore up my limitations and this is not done when I’m relaxed…stress usually lights a fire up under me. I am going to get stronger in some facet of my life because I want to be a better version of me and if increased stress helps me build resilience then I’m open to it.

Essentially, your perspective about stress does not have to change BUT your reaction to it does. Use your time effectively, control what is within your power, be realistic with your approach and allow your mind to move from fixed and paralyzed to growth.

Adopt These 3 Habits Today To Beat Stress, Anxiety and Depression

Whether you have intermittent bouts of stress, anxiety and depression or it’s a chronic problem, you can change. When you adopt positive habits, they can have a powerful effect on many areas of your life. Let’s take a look at three habits you can adopt today to ease stress, anxiety and depression.

Move your body. Our bodies were not meant to be stationary, sitting on the couch or at a desk all day long. Your body was designed to move. When you move your body you release hormones and activate systems that keep you both physically and mentally/emotionally healthy.

Movement helps not only alleviate stress and anxiety, it helps your body manage it better. It can be compared to vitamin C or zinc for avoiding or reducing the symptoms of the common cold. Movement helps you reduce the symptoms or avoid, stress, depression and anxiety.

What do we mean by movement? Just that, walk, dance, swim, run, do yoga or stretch. It doesn’t matter so much what you do. What matters is that you move your body. A common rule of thumb is to take 10,000 steps a day and/or exercise for 30 minutes.

Moderate exercise is often the easiest to adapt into your current lifestyle. You can walk for 30 minutes, do yoga, jog, swim, dance, and box – whatever you desire. Find something you enjoy and get your amazing body moving like it was designed to.

Quiet your mind. Meditation is the simplest way to quiet your mind. And the wonderful thing about meditation is that there is no right or wrong way to do it. You can walk and meditate. You can sit and meditate.

You can focus on your breathing. You can visualize a scene that makes you feel relaxed. The goal is to simply quiet your mind. To learn to clear away unconscious thoughts. Once you can learn how to control your thoughts and quiet your mind, you can instantly have a better reaction to stress and anxiety. It changes your mindset.

How long should you quiet your mind? When creating a new habit, it’s best to start small. Create a habit you absolutely know you can stick to. Start with 5 minutes of meditation. Add it to the beginning or end of your day, whichever is easiest.

Fuel your body. Your body needs a variety of nutrients and vitamins to help it run optimally. When you fuel your body well, you’re better able to manage stress and you’re simply going to feel better. Depression and anxiety don’t stand a chance. When you put harmful things into your body like too much alcohol, caffeine, sugar and nicotine then your body becomes stressed and it cannot manage the things life throws at you.

Take a multi-vitamin. Cut back on alcohol, caffeine and sugar. And add a serving of fruits or veggies to each meal and snack. This is an easy way to make sure you’re giving your body the nutrients it needs to function well.

Experts say that it takes three weeks to adopt a new habit. These three stress, anxiety and depression reducing habits are simple to adopt. The tough part is committing to them for those first three weeks. You can do it! Your body and your future are depending on you.

Reaching Forgiveness

How can I forgive my parents when they were so abusive to me? How can I forgive my significant other for betraying me?

How can I face and forgive abusers and manipulators?

How can I forgive myself when others do not forgive me and throw my past in my face every chance they get?

These are just a few of the questions that come up in session about forgiveness.

We have all been told that forgiveness is good for the soul, and it is. It would be great if we could will(force) ourselves to forgive, yet forgiveness cannot be forced. For so many people forgiving is looks like denying the anger, shame, blame, embarrassment and judgment that may still be there. It has been said that “it’s letting them off the hook without a punishment”. So how do we reach forgiveness?

Forgiveness toward others can occur when you start to actively forgive yourself and make a regular practice of loving yourself. When you judge yourself, you will have a tendency to project that judgment onto others, no matter how much you tell yourself that you have forgiven them.

Let’s start with the first question about forgiving parents. As long as you continue to treat yourself in the abusive ways your parents may have treated you, you cannot reach forgiveness. It is your lack of self-care that perpetuates that anger and hurt. As an adult, you have a wonderful opportunity to learn how to treat yourself with the love, respect, caring and understanding you may have lacked as a child. When you don’t make an effort to accept that you’re not able to change the events that took place, you stay in that disempowering space. Yes, you were wronged, placed in situations where you had no control and robbed of your voice. Now you unconsciously continue the abuse on yourself; similarly, to the way you were abused. When you quiet yourself, you pass on the opportunity to advocate for you! Then you shame yourself, fearing the opportunity to create protective boundaries that can help you heal.

How can you forgive your significant other?

This one can be tricky because you may struggle with taking responsibility for your participation in the breakdown of the relationship which can be confused with taking responsibility for the betrayal. This is definitely not the case! Ask yourself about the times you did not listen to yourself or honor yourself in the relationship. Do you need to forgive yourself for having lose boundaries? Do you have some patterns of behavior such as perfectionism, gaslighting, poor listening skills or controlling behavior that contributed to negativity in the relationship that you perhaps need to change? This means looking at yourself when you really want to focus on the how and why of the other person. It’s hard to see your partner as this flawed being that was willing to put themselves in the position to betray you, but unfortunately human beings are truly flawed. Your partner’s betrayal (no matter how much they attempt to blame you) is not your fault and you will have to accept that you are not the identified person to fix them. Each person will need to be accountable for their own actions. Your job is to investigate how to improve your understanding of what contributed to the injustice. Even if you plan to leave the relationship, you need to forgive yourself and you will eventually create the space to forgive the other person.

Facing and forgiving abusers and manipulators actually has little to do with them. This is not about pardoning, excusing or saying, “I forgive you”. It’s about rationalizing you have been mishandled and mistreated - you are choosing to live a fulfilling life despite their lack of respect, care and concern for you. You have been living in a toxic situation and sometimes you judge yourself for “staying too long” or tell yourself “I should have known better”; that’s looking back and living in the past. Once again, forgiveness is about the natural outgrowth of doing your inner work, moving out of self-judgment and into self-compassion. When you move out of self-judgment you move into acceptance and forgiving yourself for not looking for what’s “owed to you” which is essentially looking for revenge.

How do you forgive yourself when others do not forgive you and throw your past in your face every chance they get? Please know that you will be stuck in anger, self-sabotaging thinking and behavior, judgment, and a victim mindset as long as you allow others to be responsible for whether or not you forgive yourself. Their forgiveness has nothing to do with your decision to judge or forgive yourself. You can learn to love, accept and respect yourself despite your flaws, imperfections. It is all part of the growth process.

Forgiveness is not easy, but it is necessary.

Forgiveness is not easy, but it is necessary. It has to be intentional and it is followed up with managing your perspective, your emotions and your behavior. It’s not about letting go or forgetting; but it is about change, being resilient and overcoming. Forgiveness is often mistaken for the hope of an apology and acknowledgement of wrongdoing – unfortunately you might be waiting for a long time. Looking for this has the makings of holding on to the hurt and pain until they give you permission to let go….You are in charge of your thoughts and feelings and you have been empowered for a long time with the ability to move forward.