Navigating Life’s Transitions

By nature, life presents us with changes, new seasons, and transitions. For some of us, it may mean moving from one city to another after living in one place for so long. It may mean breaking up a relationship after years of being together. Or, it may mean coping with the death of a loved one. No matter the circumstances that we face, the emotions associated with life’s transitions must be identified and confronted in a positive and healthy way. 

When you think about how you currently handle a transition, do you find yourself embracing it or turning away from it? Do you tend to ask questions to seek clarity, or do you criticize the purpose behind the transition? Oftentimes, we find ourselves so used to the status quo of our day-to-day lives, that we reject change because of what it means. Transition can symbolize a fear in some, open up a past wound that has not been confronted, or allow us to deny the opportunities for good to come with this new season. 

As you notice a new transition embarking in your life, prioritize your mental health. Take note of how new changes make you feel, and how you tend to react to them. If you need to, speak to a professional about them.

Also, feel free to use these tips and techniques to cope with navigating life’s transitions:

*Journal the emotions that you feel about a current (or upcoming) transition. Be raw and honest with yourself about how you feel

*Set your thoughts on positive emotions that change can bring in your life. 

* Create affirmations around the transition. For example, you can say “I am moving into this new city with excitement, joy, and expectation of great things.”

*Realign your priorities. With the hustle and bustle that a new transition can bring, it is important to ensure that you control the priorities that you can control, and focus on only that.

*Check your thought patterns. Be sure that you are in the present of each change that is happening, and recognize how your thoughts reflect your actions. 

So, when you notice that a transition is about to arrive in your life, welcome the unfamiliar with open arms. Always remember, working through the unfamiliar is what will create familiarity for you!

Here at Insights Therapeutic Services, we are committed to making your mental health a priority. Click here to request an appointment with us, and let’s support you so that you can thrive organically.

Are You Over It?

The pandemic has stretched the patience and endurance of many. The year 2020 forced us to work outside our normal routines and it has gone on for so long we have a new normal…but this year 2021, right as we were brainstorming on how to get back to our 2019 activities…we realize this way of living in a pandemic may be even longer. 

Returning to life is still possible. You still CAN enjoy life. You can still work on your dreams and your passions – just differently. Have you ever thought maybe you are putting your ideas and way of living in a box? Our old way of socializing was only one way. Think outside the box and create alternatives to live life. The virus has mutated, and we can adapt. Remember we have intelligence and humans have adjusted through several adjustments.

What can you do to help yourself and others?

• Do your research. Media can send out messages, but trust your intellect and read.

• Find alternative ways to celebrate milestones and each other in non-conventional settings. Just because you always did it that way doesn’t mean it’s the only way to do it.

• Dating is hard right now; however, think outside the box to meet people where they are – they are likely looking to carry on with their love life too.

• Start or continue to work on projects that remind you of how awesome you are.

• Be encouraged to ask for help when you need it; there’s no reward for suffering in silence.

Continue your path to becoming who you are with all your courage, meaningful relationships, and ideas. Continue to plant your seeds; they will take root!

Self-Judgement Versus Self-Awareness

What’s your real opinion of yourself? Do you find fault in all that you do? Is your self-talk primarily negative talk? 

This is a running theme we see in counseling; clients often have a negative view of themselves that manifests itself into self sabotaging thinking and behavior, inability to take compliments, and lots of harsh judgment. Do you think that if you judge yourself enough that you will eventually live up to the perfection you have in your mind and at that point it is ok to love yourself? 

There’s a difference between self-awareness and self-judging. One has nothing to do with the other and you do not need one to have the other. 

The judgment that we have for ourselves is born out of the act of comparing ourselves to others and an ongoing recognition that we have not reached our goal; meaning we are not successful. We have a difficult time creating personal and professional goals because we have convinced ourselves that we aren’t going to succeed in that way. We have essentially trained ourselves to say, “you are not as good as them!” This mindset typically has an origin of failed attempts or being told “no” – so we give up. Giving up supports the judgment and we convince ourselves it’s true. 

Self judgement breeds fear, anxiety, anger, and cycles of depression. Some may engage in judging themselves first before others do it as a sense of motivation, but to be so critical of yourself can lead to stagnation. 

How is this different from self-awareness? Self-awareness is not about finding fault within yourself. It is more so being aware of self judgement and how often you pick yourself apart. You can interrupt your habit of self judgement by looking at yourself more objectively. Work on understanding your patterns of behavior, thought, and feeling and how it dictates your interactions within the world around you. 

Self-awareness is primarily about the ability to pay so much attention to yourself that you get you! With an increase in self- awareness your relationships can be revamped. You can say to someone, “I’m aware of my behavior and I recognize how it impacts you.” Your pattern of decision making is changed because you are aware of the choices that truly impact you. You’re able to compartmentalize thoughts, emotions, and behavior. It allows you to slow down and say, “is this my issue or someone else’s.” Essentially, an increased sense of self can change you and the relationships you maintain. To increase your sense of self, I recommend you do this:

*Start by paying attention to the things that rub you the wrong way.

*Pay attention to how others interact with you as an increased awareness.

*Slow down and observe the world around you more. 

*Identify the things that trigger you and the situations that you avoid as a result. Then, learn to manage your thoughts and emotions. 

*Become more mindful of how you speak of yourself and others.

*Be intentional about how you engage with others. Eliminate the comparisons because this is not the time for competition. 

*Review your value system.

Why Coping Skills Are Important

What are they? Why are they so important? Where do I get them? These are all valid questions when you’re asked, “what are you doing to cope?”. It would be great if we had a laundry list of healthy coping skills on hand, but the truth is we learn by watching how others cope. 

It never occurred to me when growing up that some behaviors I observed were people “coping”. Coping with “life happening”, things they could not control and issues that had become chronic and just wanted to escape. What they were trying to escape was never obvious but seeing the relief a person had when they got that puff from a cigarette was a sign. Over time hearing statements like “I need a drink” or “I like being high because I’m calmer” were evident that some of this must be learned too. People are not just creating these vices, some of them are taught. They were being taught how to cope with whatever life throws at them from watching those around them and assuming that is works or that’s what everyone does. 

There are many but some of the most common coping vices are drugs, alcohol, sex, food, shopping, smoking cigarettes and even WORKING! Unfortunately, as most of us have experienced; they don’t work for long and they often become bad habits that do more harm than good. This is where drug addiction, hypersexuality, overeating (and food restrictions), “retail therapy” become problematic. We must be honest with ourselves; they do not help. There has to be a limit to all things. Even those working long hours, working out or just scrolling social media have to be careful. Too much of anything has a point where it starts as a “mental getaway” and ends with a barrage of negative thoughts, emotions and burn out. It’s understandable that if we are not careful, the very thing that was supposed to help becomes uncontrollable. The purpose of coping tools is to help alleviate tension, change perspective (or emotions) and give a mental break from racing thoughts or overthinking an issue. 

A review of current coping tools/vices are reviewed often in therapy sessions. We identify a way to measure the reduction of poor coping tools and the increase of healthier ones. The goal is to change the scales and balance what you can. There has to be a truth moment with yourself about how you are dealing with your stressors, poorly managed relationships and issues that are not within your control. Coping tools are important because they help us do just that – cope – deal with things. 

Things like mindfulness that helps you tap into your awareness and consciousness so that your response to issues are aligned. There are several ways to meditate so research them and see what may be helpful for you. Coloring, gardening, reading a new book, writing your thoughts (journaling), blowing up balloons, painting or even singing can be helpful. The thing that tends to throw people off about coping skills is the need for them to be done often and even better in a routine. It’s unrealistic to believe that when you are “in need” that these coping tools will occur to you. At that point the coping skill cannot match the intense feelings you are experiencing. You will likely become frustrated and convince yourself that they do not work. If you are consistent and aware of what each coping tool does for you – you can create a long list of coping skills for yourself that you only need to adjust at times of high anxiety, stress or frustration. As you slowly eliminate the old habits, you will eventually replace them with some that are much healthier.  

The bottom line is if what you are doing is no longer healthy and helpful, you need to explore more. Most things work when used appropriately and become second nature. Engaging in therapy is not always about your past but this where together we identify the source of some poor habits and reveal what you need today.   

Are You A “People Pleaser”?

Do you apologize often? Do you have difficulty saying “no”? Do you feel uncomfortable when people are displeased with you? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you likely engage in people pleasing behavior. 

Most people believe this behavior comes from a place of general kindness or genuinely wanting to see other people happy. There is a difference. Building healthy relationships do not require your sacrifice. Unfortunately, it screams “I’ll take on your discomfort so that you’re comfortable and okay with me.” You’re hoping they will see you as a team player, easy to work with or accommodating; and like so many others you will find yourself feeling disconnected, disrespected and lonely.

Your need for validation and affirmation from others runs much deeper than wanting to avoid conflict. Taking the time to explore why you get caught up in this cycle is very important. Your sense of self is the price you pay when you put other people’s comfort ahead of your own. Most people have fluctuations in their self-esteem because life happens. As a therapist, we find a common denominator of low of self-worth, self-acceptance, self-love and confidence. When a person is lacking these components, it is a breeding ground for believing “if you’re happy, I’m happy.”

When you are describing stressful and toxic relationships, I encourage you to take an audit of your behavior in the interactions. You may find that you display people pleasing attributes even for people that you dislike. It’s to be expected that relationships of all kinds require some give and take, but it is impossible to nurture authentic relationships with a need to be liked and accepted. 

How to Break the Cycle?

1. Put some boundaries in place! Boundaries create safe spaces for you and tell others where to stop. But remember you have to enforce these. No one will know if you don’t protect it.

2. Say yes to you more! It’s self-care! Before you say yes to others, evaluate your plate. Just because your plate is almost empty does not mean you are free to take on things from other people. Let them manage their own plate.

3. Check your cup! Your cup belongs to you and you have to manage the contents. When you cup is half full – you are running low. This is where you take a step back, restore, recharge and reboot to refill your cup. When you start to run over – you can resume assessing the needs of others.

4. Use assertive communication! This means that you take a stand without explanation. There is no fluff (justifying why) because you need to be clear. Assertiveness removes the inclination to say more. The person on the receiving end of your “no” is their issue – not yours. Let them manage the discomfort.

5. Love on you! You can start by asking yourself “what about me?” You have a choice and its lovely when you choose you! Do it often so that you become accustomed to it and embrace it.

If you find these tips difficult, I encourage you to reach out to a mental health professional to help you take a deep dive into your patterns of thinking, behavior and emotional health. Just in case you didn’t know – therapy is a form of self-love. IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU! 

Five Ways to Stop Staying Too Long

Why would anyone stay in a relationship longer than they have to?

Why would anyone continue to work at a job with no movement?

Why haven’t you moved on?

These are the questions that can keep us up at night and make us lose focus throughout the day. Recurrent questions of “why” and “what if” plays over and over again in your head. You talk about your situation to whomever is willing to listen to the point of exhaustion, yet you are still there. I get it!

You invested time, energy and you process levels upon levels of emotions. You have convinced yourself that there is a reward at the end for the time you’ve given a situation. You have expectations from time spent. Your ability to stay longer than necessary is built on negative thinking patterns, past traumas and maladaptive coping skills that you’ve probably had all your life and you try your best not to speak on them. 

Guilt and regret run together. This is coming from you knowing your situation is not healthy. The idea of detaching from the people, place and things that trigger the feelings from past hurts is familiar. But this is where you will feel like you are harming yourself; it’s that internal fight we call cognitive dissonance. You know that your situation does not align with your values, ideals and beliefs yet you continue to participate in the cycles of stress. 

Clients that come through our doors often have underlying low self-worth. It can feel like a double-edged sword when you know leaving is the answer but the idea of leaving and starting over feels overwhelming. As a result, you stack your reasons to stay in “it” because change just might be catastrophic. We fear the judgment of others and sometimes want to prove we have the ability to withstand. Do you really want to prove you can live in toxicity? How does that build your self-worth? 

The shame and fear mounts and will trick you into thinking you have to be more understanding, have more sex, reduce your standards or “start over”. The truth that wakes you up at night is your nervous system saying we are overloaded from trying to work against knowing we deserve better. Thoughts such as “I’m over it”, “I have nothing left” and “I’m depleted”. The most common reason we hear people stay too long is because they are simply afraid. We know all too well how fear can interrupt our thoughts of having the things we want even if the current situation is toxic. Fear of the unknown is valid! However, is it the first time you’ve had fears and did what needed to be done anyway? 

What are you proving by staying? What you need is on the other side of the distorted version of “safety” you are sitting in. You have convinced yourself that you are safe; that it’s not that bad. If you aren’t sleeping well, you’re emotionally eating, you have repeated visions of living a “better” life and the symptoms of depression and anxiety are piling up – then it is THAT bad and you ARE NOT comfortable. Here’s five places you can start. You can do this! 

1. Acknowledge you are not actually stuck. You feel stuck. You are afraid of disrupting the normal toxic routine. 

2. You are worthy! Aren’t you worth fighting that fear? If you are visualizing the better life, that means you have a new destination and assignment to create that for yourself. Mediocrity is no longer acceptable. You demonstrate your worth by choosing you.

3. People will always talk. They will talk about what they know, and they will make up stuff to fill in the gaps. Do it anyway! What you share is up to you but know that as soon as you take the opinions of others into consideration you are no longer living for yourself.

4. You aren’t being selfish. You have to utilize the resources. You have the time, the opportunity, the motivation and the resources to do what’s necessary.

5. Adjust your expectations. You are changing which means your expectations have changed as well. You want better! 

I’ve stayed too long in more situations than I bear to mention. I was not groomed to ask for the best of everything, so I allowed myself to be complacent in some of the most toxic environments. Looking back on it, I thought it was a part of life. I wanted to “settle into it” and not be a complainer, I wanted to “look happy” like everyone else but I was eating my feelings, sleeping more to escape my reality and lying about my life to seek some validation from others. Once I learned that I was worth it and that I could create it I pushed back on my fears. I was off to change my life! Did I get everything right – nope – but I was able to say with conviction that I was worth the risk! 

How to Deal with Adjustment Disorder

The most predictable facet of life is its unpredictability. When we expect things to zig, they zag. When this happens, many people can be struck with something called adjustment disorder. Adjustment Disorder (sometimes referred to as Stress Response Syndrome) is when one experiences an acute or persistent emotional reaction filled with irrational thoughts and behavior after a major life change. The response is often disruptive and can impact quality of life. These events can trigger a period of adjusting where you experience significant stress and anxiety.

Some common life events include:

● The sudden or impending death of a loved one

● Being diagnosed with a serious or chronic illness

● Being the victim of a crime

● Job changes

● Surviving through a major accident or a disaster

● Significant life changes like getting married, having a baby, going to college, retiring, etc.

Adjustment Disorder differs from diagnoses such as major clinical depression or general anxiety disorder based on the number of symptoms, the intensity and primarily length of time. When managing adjustment disorder the manifestation may present as feeling overwhelmed, difficulty concentrating, withdrawal from others and trouble sleeping. Most of the time we can cope with our ever-changing lives but sometimes our stressors are abrupt, short term and/or intermittent and we simply have difficulty “getting back to normal”.

Typically, people adjust within a few months after a life changing event but when the response to the life disruption is extended, we encourage clients to seek treatment. This is not one size fits all; symptoms will vary from person to person. If you are suffering after a life event, here are some ways you can manage:

1. Seek professional help – Speak with your physician’s office, get into therapy - either one-on-one with a mental health professional or in a group setting to learn the right coping skills to help yourself.

2. Reduce daily stressors – Avoid things that trigger an intense negative reaction for you. Don’t be afraid to say “no” to manage your boundaries for self-care as you adjust.

3. Medicine – Depending on the symptoms a low dose antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication may help reduce the impact and help you identify the appropriate coping skills .

4. Be mindful of your intake – Maintaining a good diet not only helps your body but your mind as well. Try to reduce or eliminate your alcohol or caffeine intake as well.

5. Lean on your support system – Tell your friends and/or family about how you’re feeling. Having someone you trust that to listen without judgment or shaming is invaluable during times of stress.

There is no foolproof way to prevent Adjustment Disorder; but getting help early will lessen your symptoms. If left untreated, it can develop into a more serious condition like major depressive disorder. A licensed mental health professional can teach you ways to cope with stress and anxiety and put you on the path to wellness.

A Time to Fly Even When Afraid

What does fear do to you and for you? What have you allowed it to keep from you? When did you stop fighting it and give in to it? 

So many people ask me how I knew it was time for me to leave my job or how I knew entrepreneurship was for me. They ask, “weren’t you afraid?”. My answer is “ABSOLUTELY!!”

Entrepreneurship was not new to me but the idea of opening my own practice was different. Before becoming a therapist, I was a realtor and although I loved sales and the freedom that came along with it, I wanted to do something else where I could impact lives from a different angle. 

After finishing my counseling program and having various jobs within the mental health industry I toyed around with the idea, but literally had it in the same framework as real estate, thinking, no biggie! Boy was I wrong. I had many reasons why I thought having my own practice really wouldn’t fit my lifestyle. I didn’t want to be responsible for people. I didn’t want to be the face of something else and I didn’t want to have to compete for clients. I was trying to force myself to be like everyone else…working at a large company where I could depend on a check, had PTO, a pension coming and a very nice salary. I was good!

Then it happened. I had an urge. Those darn urges! Thinking “here we go again”. That urge to do something more, something that fit my purpose. So, I asked myself, what would it look like to have a practice? I started having more conversations with others that seemed to make it look easy. These conversations were making me nervous because I kept thinking “I don’t want to do all of that”. Here I was thinking that my response to others came out of my past experiences being an independent contractor as a realtor but what really framed my responses was fear. Fear of putting myself out there, fear of failing, fear of being successful, fear of it not being perfect. 

I toiled a long time about this. Let me say that correctly - I let fear keep me from starting my own practice for over a year. I had many sleepless nights, I found myself talking to anyone I could about how to avoid pitfalls so I could make it “perfect”. I feared taking my family into a financial crisis, I feared I would be seen as selfish for letting go of “safeguards” at a large company to “swim with sharks” on my own. Fear had me messed up!

Then I had a conversation with an old friend from high school that I hadn’t seen or talked since we graduated high school. He said “choose. Stop teetering and choose”. As afraid as I was, I chose! The fear of never knowing who I could become weighed much more than the fear of leaving a job that I could likely go back to if I needed. I was scared then of failing and I’m afraid today of failing but I keep getting up every day doing it anyway. I do it knowing life could happen and I will adjust when needed. I learned that I’m capable of standing up to my fears. I love what I do, and I encourage all those that come with fear to stare it in the face and choose themselves. The worst that could happen is you have to adjust but choose you and be bold enough to do it over and over and over again. 

Setting Goals For The Year Ahead

“Ask for what you want and be prepared to get it.” – Maya Angelou

For many people the end of the year can bring up every emotion imaginable. January is named for the Roman god with two faces, one looking forward and the other back, so it's a time honored tradition to reflect on the year that has been and set our sights on the year ahead.

Channeling the excitement you have about the beginning of a new year into plans that garner results can seem daunting- but here are some tips on Goal Setting for 2021.

#1 Identify What You Want To Accomplish

This is not the time for magical wishes. Being practical and realistic will set you up for success in ways that being overly ambitious will not.

#2 Set Up Benchmarks

Concrete things, "finish lines" that you can reach on a daily, weekly or monthly basis.

#3 Begin Progress Toward Benchmark

Small steps will get you there as long as they are consistent.

#4 Record Your Activity

You want to be able to see what is and what is not working so you can change it up and most importantly so you can…

#5 Celebrate Your Successes

All work and no play is no way to live so treat yourself!

And remember- don't be too hard on yourself. Set backs are often part of the process and is a natural part of learning and growing to have the life you want to live.

Gratitude Can Change Your Life

Gratitude is one of the most overlooked factors in our pursuit of self-improvement and personal well-being.

Although not an external skill that can be learned, gratitude is an innate quality, a potential mindset that exists in each and every one of us. It can be awakened and developed to dramatically change your outlook - and transform your life in ways you never imagined.

Practicing gratitude creates a huge paradigm shift. Suddenly, so many of the things that keep you tossing and turning at night become trivial and meaningless – while the things you should be putting your effort into, the things that have true value and meaning, become crystal-clear. No physical skill can ever transform your life in this way.

I challenge you to count your blessings today. From the moment you wake up until you go to bed, make the intent to notice all the things you are grateful for. There are so many things that we take for granted without giving them a second thought. The challenge is to look around you and notice these things or people and how they make your life easier or happier. Just keep your mind open and be grateful for as many things as you can and watch how things begin to shift for you.

Some Ways to Practice Gratitude

• Keep a gratitude journal in which you list things for which you are thankful. Y

• Make a gratitude collage by drawing or pasting pictures.

• Make a game of finding the hidden blessing in a challenging situation.

• When you feel like complaining, make a gratitude list instead. You may be amazed by how much better you feel.

• Notice how gratitude is impacting your life and write about it.

Once you develop an attitude of a sincere attitude for all the blessings you receive, this unleashes the power for you to receive even more than you already have. It changes your perspective, your focus, and eventually your life.

“It is impossible to feel grateful and depressed in the same moment.” -Naomi Williams