Start Building Self Esteem Today

High self-esteem is an extremely important characteristic. Without high levels of self-esteem, you are unlikely to see yourself as being worthy of success or happiness. Low self-esteem can create emotional and cognitive behaviors that are not aligned with who you are or who you want to become.

Higher self-esteem will give you the courage to keep going when things get tough. The way that you see yourself can change your perspective from a pessimistic expectation to an optimistic one. It can make the difference between pushing through or staying in limbo.

Unfortunately, the value of self-esteem is often overlooked, yet the truth is we could all improve our level of self-esteem in some way or another.

The things that can improve your self-esteem can be quite simple, yet it requires consistency. What are some of the things you do for yourself that makes you feel good about yourself? What behaviors do you engage in or see others practice that you believe will illicit higher confidence, self-acceptance and worthiness?

I can tell you from experience that my self-esteem did not increase until I put boundaries in place that allowed me the time and ability to focus on me. Working on self-development, envisioning myself saying “no” to people, places and things that no longer allowed me to grow. Trusting myself to know what was good for me without opening the door for the opinion of others. I no longer sought the affirmation and validation from my friends and family. Furthermore, I unselfishly loved myself the way I deserved which automatically created boundaries for others who attempted to mistreat me.

The conversation that you have with yourself is the most critical one you can and will have in life. Trying on clothes and calling yourself fat, skinny, stupid, dumb, too short, too tall, too dark, too light or ANYTHING other than beautiful will cause your self-esteem to plummet. How can you lift your spirit and feed your soul garbage at the same time? It doesn’t align; therefore, feed yourself an abundance of good and healthy thoughts!

It’s quite ok to have days where you aren’t feeling your best so do not beat yourself up when you find it hard to speak so kindly of yourself. However, lifting yourself out of the dumps requires intentional care so you don’t stay low. Fill your cup with affirmations such as the following:

• I can respect myself, even if I didn’t do it in the past.

• I will continue to grow and thrive; despite my beginning.

• I am capable of handling difficult situations.

• I may be tired, but I have what it takes to meet my goals.

• I have pride in who I am because I am not a quitter.

So, when you look at self-esteem from this perspective, you can see that overall self-esteem is just a balance between things that make you feel good, and things that make you feel bad. If you feel good more often than you do bad, you will have higher self-esteem and vice versa. The key here is changing what you’ve always done to what you’re starting to do. If you are able to identify the things that make you feel bad and replace them with the things that make you feel good, ultimately your self-esteem will improve.

This principle of change is so simple it is often overlooked, because people become used to doing the same things day in day out. Change the record! By doing the same things every day, your thought patterns remain the same every day and so you FEEL the same every day. Change the way you think and feel so you can ultimately change your life. If you continue to struggle with your self-esteem I encourage you to reach out to a local therapist who can help you identify barriers to change and assist you in sorting through your feelings or take a look at some self-help books that target increasing self-esteem. I personally did both and I am grateful for my commitment to working every day at being better than I was the day before and I truly want the same for you too!

Infidelity – Caught In The Act

Trust is an essential element to any relationship and is at the core of healthy relationships. Trust is built out of verbal and non-verbal communication. Unfortunately, once that trust has been abused and mishandled, it can be very difficult to rebuild.

Let’s say that you have a long-term relationship and you really love your partner, but your affair is revealed. No matter how you were caught the shock and betrayal have to be managed if you want to save the relationship. Infidelity causes intense emotional pain, anger, embarrassment, disbelief, fear, guilt and shame; but an affair does not have to mean the end of your relationship.

Here are some useful tips that may help you save your relationship:

• You must end the affair. If you want to preserve the relationship with your significant other, all interactions and communications must cease immediately with the other person.   

• You must have open communication and tell the truth. The lie has been revealed and you must be intentional and transparent. You will feel judged and unloved during the conversations but unfortunately this is often part of the process. The worst has already occurred, and denial of the truth is insulting especially when the person is now aware of the lies. Your goal is to salvage and rebuild. 

The long list of questions, the probe for details, the mixed emotions and seemingly irrational rants are a reaction to pain. If you do not want to lose your mate, you will have to endure their adjustment to learning about your secrets. Identify your issues and why you chose to break the agreement. If you do not communicate truthfully the relationship will fail. The two of you will have to determine if you want to work on saving the relationship or separate.  Together the relationship needs to be examined because it has now been altered.

• Apologize. You broke the agreement to be exclusive and your partner is emotionally hurt and confused. You need to communicate remorse and begin new behaviors that support your apology. Be accountable for your choices and do not attempt to put the blame on your partner.  

• Give your partner some space. Stress is stress; whether it is emotional, physical, mental or financial and neither of you can rush the process of getting on the other side of the issue. You must take breaks from the issues to allow ample time to evaluate and actively engage in self-care. 

• Seek counseling. Infidelity often reveals unspoken expectations, codependency as well as incompatible ideas and needs. Counseling provides both parties an impartial ear, objective ideas and a safe space to process the trouble spots. There is a deep dive into “why” and then “what now”. This is where new agreements and expectations are created, respect is learned, and understanding can happen. 

Sometimes after overcoming a situation like this, the relationship exceeds your expectations and a healthy relationship is born. But understand, you may also find that you have had some poor coping skills, toxic learned behavior, unrealistic expectations and damaging patterns that you or both of you will have to work on managing for the duration of the relationship and your mental health. This is possible for all involved but not without empathy, patience and willingness. 

4 Steps to Begin Conquering Low Self Esteem

Believe it or not, some of the most successful people you see in the media today used to have low self-esteem. How did they overcome this and become the successful people that they are today?

You CAN win the battle over low self-esteem beginning with these 4 steps.

1. Affirmations

Affirmations are simply positive statements that you say out loud to yourself every day. This can be very difficult at times because you may not actually BELIEVE what you are saying. So why would you say something to yourself that you don’t believe? Affirmations strengthen our belief in our potential to manifest our desires.

Increased self-esteem has to start with you. Your self-esteem is likely a product of hearing negative messages over and over again, so often that you began to believe them. Therefore, one can surmise that countering them with positive messages will over time, become believable. Positive affirmations such as “I forgive those who have harmed me in my past and peacefully detach from them” or “I wake up today with strength in my heart and clarity in my mind”.

Repeat statements like these to yourself out loud at least 10 times in the mirror before leaving home. When you say them, do not mumble them, say them as many times as necessary with passion and conviction.

2. Read to grow

Again, increased self-esteem starts with you and what you practice on a daily basis. Read something every day for at least 30 minutes that will help you increase your self-esteem. This can be an article, a book, or even a listening to a podcast that supports the affirmations you repeat. The more you learn and incorporate into your thought patterns the more you will grow. The more you grow, the more your self-esteem will improve.

3. Take action every day

Do something every day, starting with something small, that directly positions you to deal with your low self-esteem. For instance, if you have difficulty talking with people because you feel insecure and inferior, start off by saying speaking and proudly stating your name with eye contact. Do this with everyone you come in contact with to build your confidence the fears of having to interact with others in a social setting. The consistency pushes out the habit of negative thinking.

4. Manage the negative thoughts

Negative thoughts are like land mines. As soon as you step out to face your fear, a negative thought comes and tells you that you CANNOT do it and BOOM; you believe it and lose that round. Instead, diffuse negative thoughts before they have a chance to do damage. A great way to do damage control is by challenging the negative thoughts. A pattern of thoughts often filled with assumptions, generalizations and catastrophizing that create a cycle of thinking that seems to support the low self-esteem. Every time a thought comes into your head that tells you that you can’t – counter it with how you CAN succeed.

These four steps are a great starting point and quite possibly may seem challenging but remember there is no quick fix and the goal is to focus on progressing and managing. As long as you are working on it and progressing, it means you’re still in the fight and you have not given up on yourself. Self-esteem is filled with self-acceptance, self-worth and self-love, all areas that took a beating over time. Reclaim your sense of self and work diligently on rebuilding! Books, positive statements from others, focusing on your strengths and working on areas of improvement, journaling and engaging in individual therapy are all layers of helping yourself overcome a poor sense of self. Tap into your resources and become that better version of yourself.

Why Every Couple Should Talk About Money

Talking about money is just as important as other parts of a couple’s long-term success. Communicating about money will ensure that the two of you are creating and committed to the same joint vision. When couples make time to talk about money on a regular basis there’s an increased chance of avoiding misunderstandings and inconsistencies. Here are 5 key reasons why money should be a part of your relationship conversations:

To Create a Joint Vision

The both of you may have very different ideas about what constitutes success. One of you may have a goal of home ownership and the other prefers to rent; one person may enjoy building a nest egg and living as a minimalist and the other person indulges in retail therapy and impulse buys. These are issues that are revealed when two people are able to discuss money without judgement. If these conversations do not take place; poor money habits become larger, trust weakens and tension builds.  As an active participant in accomplishing individual and collective goals, it’s important for each of you to feel heard and valued as a contributor in the relationship.  

To Ensure You’re on The Same Page

If you want to make sure you’re both on the same page about financial goals I encourage couples to come to the table with a list of their financial needs and wants broken down by long term and short term goals. Regardless of how compatible two people believe they are; it is always interesting to see how differently one thinks is the best way to accomplish said goals when they are written down and discussed at length. After you determine the two of you are on the same page is it a great idea to evaluate monthly to ensure staying on track. Monthly meetings will allow you to address impulses, deficits or concerns appropriately. 

To Pursue Shared Goals in Life

Actively pursuing shared life goals are an important part of any relationship. You and your significant other will appreciate the attention given to discuss saving for the future so that you can enjoy travel, or check things off your bucket list. Financial planning for the future will not only give you something to look forward to but it can also reduce stressful encounters and reduce negative feelings. 

While pursuing shard goals, it’s considered healthy to have individual goals throughout the duration of the relationship. Putting your income together for shared goals or routine household finances are common. However, if one of you wants to pursue school, start a business or purchase a new car; it is best to discuss them to ensure the both of you agree on the impact on your overall financial growth. 

To Avoid Problems 

How important is it to talk about your finances? If you never talk about money and both of you are doing “your own thing”, 20 years can go by without either of you paying attention. That means you’re likely enabling one anothers poor financial behavior, avoiding emotional blow ups (that will eventually happen anyway), wind up without a savings and essentially only manage tasks and putting out financial fires. While you can’t possibly be perfect or do everything perfectly; the goal is to intentionally working together at removing financial problems as one of your hurdles. 

The Financial Future

Talking about money doesn’t have to be hard. Financial planning is only one aspect of your life together, but it’s what is going to help you meet your goals individually and collectively with the goal of living a happier life. Talking about it and setting yourself up for success will simply remove undue stress that doesn’t have to exist. If the both of you commit to meeting on a regular basis to collaborate based on the wants and needs you are more likely to be successful. 

Anger Management Tips to use in Stressful Situations

When an individual is dealing with anger issues, usually their emotions evolve when put in stressful situations. If a difficult incident pops up, often their only way to cope with it is to put up their defensive side. Becoming angry is probably easier than dealing with the circumstances. This is unfortunate since anger doesn't solve anything. Once it subsides, the problem is still there. 

There are anger management tips which people can use when found in high stress situations. If there is a friend or family member who is easy to talk to and understanding, it might be good to talk to them. When an individual’s anger escalates they become incapable of seeing other perspectives of the problem. Talking to someone else may help because they may share another side of the story. The friend or family member may be able to help them sort through their issues and make them look at the situation from the other side. This anger management tip may work well for some people.

Another great anger management tip is to write down thoughts and feelings. You may feel as if you are alone and no one understands or cares about your problems. Sharing may only cause extra conflict or make it more complex. Lashing out is sometimes a dead end. Writing or journaling may help you process your anger. Without anyone to talk back or object to what they have to say, it may be helpful to get their feelings off their chest. Using writing as an anger management tip may also help in the future when trying to find the triggers which cause the angry outbursts. Being able to look back over the information written may provide the person with reasons for their anger through reading about similar incidents.

Taking a vacation, spending some alone time is another good anger management tip. Removing oneself from the environment which seems to frustrate and irritate them may be a wise idea. Being able to get away and reflect on their actions may help an individual to look at things differently. Given space and time may be positive for a person with anger issues. 

Some people suggest prayer and meditation as anger management tips. Both of these suggestions involve very personal practices for an individual. Given a chance to pray and be alone with one's thoughts is a good way to release tension and let the pressures of life wash away. Letting go of feelings of anger and negative thoughts would definitely make a positive change in a person's life. Through prayer and meditation a person is able to dig deep into their minds and souls for answers to their problems and comfort for their broken spirits. 

There are lots of anger management tips which people can practice when the going gets tough. Tips such as breathe deeply, exercise, get more rest, get out in nature, find humor in the situation and play or listen to music. These are all recommended as anger management tips for the person who finds themselves in stressful and confrontational situations. 

When the Holidays are Bright.... with Anger

People have become more aware how heightened emotions can be around the holiday season. There is a plethora of articles and thinkpieces today discussing how to handle depression, anxiety and grief during end of the year events and festivities.

But many people, especially those with existing difficulties managing their anger, often believe their waves of rage are unique only to them.

That is most definitely NOT the case but thinking that no one understands your trigger and/or response can exacerbate your negative emotions and cause you to escalate.

Spending time with relatives you have not seen for months or years, seeing co-workers outside of the office combined with the financial strain of gift giving can create feelings of anxiety, shame, guilt and obligation. Managing your boundaries and identifying your emotions take practice and the holidays are not always the ideal place to begin. Here are a few tips on ways you can control these emotions before you end up seeing red.

1. Practice mindfulness - When you start to feel overwhelmed, take a walk around the neighborhood, find a quiet place where you can be alone and clear your head (even if it's in the car), or just focus on your breathing. This is a great way to hit the reset button before your emotions take over.

2. Make plans for yourself - If you are staying with family, make time to go out on your own. This is where you have to foresee your needs and prepare to communicate your needs. Before your visits or trip, identify a friend to call, identify a person (buffer) that you can provide a code word for escape.

3. Don't rise to the bait - No one knows quite how to hit your buttons and focus in on the things you feel most insecure about like your family. Understand that this is not about you and don't provide more fuel by engaging in the unhealthy conversations. Remember, you get to choose, you CAN control the pace of the conversation and you have the capability to change the topic.

4. Don't overdo it! - The holidays have a built in "should" which is often what contributes to negative thinking and emotions. It's a natural reaction when dealing with stress to revert to old behaviors and poor coping skills. Be mindful of your alcohol intake as well as other substances that can contribute to escalating negative responses. The best intentions can sometimes get out of hand.

Don't second guess yourself for knowing what you need. I encourage you to be motivated to advocate for yourself and say "NO" when you need to. Be mindful of where you are in managing your emotions and take care of you. Your negative thoughts and emotions are yours - own them and protect yourself so that you too can have a pleasant experience in this season.

Learning Healthy Anger Management Strategies

There are many strategies to managing anger and each of them is intended to help people who are repeatedly having issues managing a healthy and normal response to upsetting situations. Sometimes things can be so intense that it escalates to the point of violence. When a person experiences multiple episodes of angry or reckless behavior; there's a problem, one that needs to be dealt with. Anger management strategies are designed to help an individual (and loved ones) return to a healthy, normal existence. 

 Taking a time-out is considered a healthy management strategy. Removing oneself from a situation or person that makes a person angry is eliminating the stimuli or trigger. This anger management strategy might simply require a ride in the car or a walk on the beach. Playing sports or working out can help use up some of the extra energy without involving others. Some other suggestions for time-out are reading, listening to music or sitting alone in silence. Each of these activities are considered healthy anger management strategies. 

A second example of healthy anger management is owning up to the anger. Although the anger is usually brought on by an irritating situation or a confrontation with another individual, you have to own your own emotions and behavior. Only the person who's experiencing the anger issues can control their outbursts. When an individual becomes angry, they need to try to disclose the reasons for their anger whether it is hurt, fear, frustration, confusion or jealousy. The person on the receiving end of the blow up will not know unless you verbalize it. 

 Our past can be our greatest teacher because we learn from past experiences. Look back on those situations that upset you before and try to find ways to handle them differently in the future. Learning the cause of your anger may help avoid those escalations that hurt others. Not only might you learn to avoid extenuating circumstances, but you might learn the origin of your trigger. Sometimes we are angry at ourselves and then there are times that we are really trying to protect ourselves with learned behaviors from our past.

Anger is a natural emotion and should not be avoided; trying to ignore it or normalize unhealthy behavior can and will create problems. There are self-help books, online courses, workshops and support groups provided by mental health providers that can help you unlearn what you think you know about anger management. Learning healthier strategies is something we all could benefit from and there are awesome resources near you that can help.

What About Anger Management Classes?

Many people with anger issues believe they can change at any time. By dismissing the behavior, individuals assume that their problem will disappear. Families attempt to function daily living with a person who has problems with controlling their temper. Fathers, mothers, even children can disrupt the entire household due to uncontrollable fits of rage. Keeping it a secret is toxic to the entire family. Denying the problem and refusing to deal with the anger issue solves absolutely nothing. In fact, when people ignore anger issues for too long the environment can become violent and even deadly.

As difficult as it may be, you are encouraged to be honest about the issues; accept there's a problem and begin finding the solution. Finding the right course of treatment will depend on the individual or family involved. Some may choose one on one counseling, while others may feel comfortable in a small support group setting. What about anger management classes? Sometimes this might be a great option for a person with repeated serious behavioral problems.

Anger management classes overseen by a professional in the field of anger management provides an opportunity for people to learn techniques and strategies to control their anger. Teaching participants how to deal with their anger by managing unwanted or harmful feelings and emotions. Explaining the benefits of exercises such as deep breathing, meditation and other means of relaxation would likely be on the lesson plan. Helping people to find positive and constructive ways to work through their problems with anger is the main objective of anger management classes.

Some individuals, especially those who are new to anger management classes, may feel uncomfortable or intimidated by the thought of a class setting. The classes are not meant to be threatening or demeaning. In fact they are supposed to be the exact opposite. Anger management classes should be relaxing and informal without any feelings of shame or embarrassment. Anger management classes are intended to help people by communicating respect, understanding, support and encouragement.

Where would an interested person enroll for anger management classes?

Sometimes an individual's first contact is the municipal courts. However, countless people have identified the need for themselves without coming in contact with any legal professionals. Feel free to reach out to counselors and/or medical professionals as they should be able to provide some information regarding anger management classes in the local area. If this doesn't work, the Internet is always a great resource for details about anger management including anger management classes. Internet searches can also provide plenty of information. Be sure to check out the contact information, dates, times and locations for various anger management classes. It is absolutely normal for someone to anxious about the first steps; but today there is plenty of help available in these situations. A person simply needs to ask for it.

What do you need to have a good day?

We could get philosophical and have a banter about what constitutes a good day but let’s not do that. Let’s consider the simplest form of what do I need to do, have or experience to give me a sense of “today was a good day”. Is it a having on comfortable shoes, having a robust cup of coffee in the morning; is it a systematic approach that has to occur for you to feel “complete”.

When I think of the days where I’m dropping everything, bumping into things, forgetting deodorant or skipping breakfast…..and get to the car and take that deep breath, it is at that moment I am remembering I did not get my piece of morning peace. My morning routine is to start my day on the deck being greeted by the sun, watching birds and rabbits, drinking cold water and listening to nothing. This takes merely 15 minutes but it’s my piece of peace and it gives me a space to be grateful and hopeful for the day

I challenge everyone to find that thing or experience that allows you to get grounded. A space that is void of a demand and requirement; a moment where you “stop the clock” so that you can have a good day. My routine occurs in the morning; you may have a mid-day routine or nightly routine – but get a routine so that you feel you’ve had a good day.

Here’s a few examples of some activities that you might consider incorporating into your good day:

• Exercise at home or a gym and maybe incorporate the sauna or steam room

• Slow down and enjoy your cup of tea or coffee before engaging with others

• Dance (whether you believe you are good at it or not)

• Create a beautiful place setting for yourself when you eat; not on the couch or on your bed

• Take a slow stroll through a park

Routines are part of the human experience; we are creatures of habit. I’m encouraging you to take a look at your routines and identify the ones that help you have a good day and do more of those activities. Isolate them and identify the best time for you to engage to be a better you for yourself and others.

What's Holding Me Back From Changing Jobs?

Identifying and addressing dysfunctional familial and personal relationships is important but when you do the math and recognize how much time you spend at work; you may find that you spend more time in toxic professional spaces that are affecting your happiness and mental stability.

In many situations, time can blunt our ability to see things clearly, so ask yourself these questions:

1. Aside from the actual work, what is the number one thing your colleagues discuss- is it how awful the job is?

2. Do you feel supported with the ability to express legitimate concerns? If not by your direct supervisor by the company as a whole?

3. Are meetings and trainings "one-way streets" with little input from anyone but senior/upper management?

4. And last but certainly not least do you flat out dread going to work on a daily basis?

Making the move to the unknown can be daunting, the fear and anxiety associated with job hunting can keep many people stuck in place far too long. Some experience guilt with leaving co-workers they have spent years with or have lost the drive and motivation to seek out other opportunities. Complexities such as these can scar self-confidence and create a justification of “it’s not that bad”, when it really is “that bad”.

A vital part to healing after leaving a bad job experience is not taking that negativity with you. Here are some tips to help ensure that your role at the new job doesn't perpetuate the same old patterns.

• Look for the lesson and learn from experience; balance that by staying mindful on the present not dwelling on the past. Mentally replaying all that went down at your previous place of employment is not helpful and does not aid growth. Refrain from verbalizing your past employer experience to your new coworkers, it may feel cathartic, but it will not endear you to them in the long run.

• Oftentimes people become a reflection of their surroundings, so do an inventory on yourself and examine the ways you may have internalized situations and became part of the problem.

• Making a list of workplace problems, whether they be aggressions that were directed at you or that you directed at others, can help pinpoint and address harmful or dysfunctional behavior in your brain, and allow you to move on with a healthier perspective. 

• Seek trainings and workshops to help you with potentially outdated processes as well as updating your skill set for growth and marketability.

By building your self-esteem and self-confidence the level of fear and anxiety can be more manageable. Talking to a therapist or life coach or even bonding with other individuals in similar situations can give you objective support and help you realize you are not alone facing the challenges of starting over in your professional life.