Stop Keeping Score: The Relationship Pain Competition That’s Keeping You Single

There’s some strange dynamics in dating and relationships these days.

Somewhere along the way, pain became a competition as if there’s a gold medal for who’s been hurt more. Men talk about being taken advantage of (especially financially), overlooked, or unfairly judged. Women share stories of being lied to, mistreated, or emotionally abandoned. Both sides have receipts. Both sides have real hurt. But here’s the problem: the more we compete for the title of “who’s suffered the most,” the harder it becomes to see each other as potential partners and the easier it is to build walls instead of learning how to connect.

I see it in my therapy office, in coaching sessions, and in community conversations: two people sitting across from each other, both guarded, both afraid, both absolutely convinced the other side can’t or won’t understand.

How Pain Competition Shows Up in Real Life

Take a recent client session (details changed to protect privacy). A couple came in frustrated; both convinced the other was incapable of empathy. She’d say, “You don’t know what it’s like to have men take advantage of you every time and end up empty.” He’d respond, “You don’t know what it’s like to live up to being someone’s punching bag and savior.” Neither was wrong. But both were so busy proving their pain was more valid that neither could hear the other.

Another example: a single man in his 40s told me, “I’m done with dating. Women just use men for free dinners, gifts and whatever else and I’d rather sit this out”. A week later, a single woman in her late 30s said, “I can’t deal with dating anymore. Men just want casual hookups or arm candy.” Both statements came from real hurt but also from fear and stereotypes that perpetuate the pain.

Post-pandemic dating has intensified the problem. There’s a lot more dating apps, the gender roles have shifted, and the influence of social media “relationship experts,” and the idea of being in a relationship been dumped. Studies in 2025 are already showing a rise in dating fatigue and loneliness despite more people say they want committed relationships.

The Problem with Keeping Score

When we turn pain into a competition, we accidentally fuel a few damaging myths:

Myth: “If I admit your pain is valid, mine won’t matter.”
Truth: Empathy isn’t a zero-sum game. Two truths can coexist.

Myth: “The other gender has it easier.”
Truth: Gender roles might shape our challenges, but they don’t erase them. Men and women are both facing high rates of loneliness, emotional burnout, and disconnection.

Myth: “Protecting myself means activating rigid boundaries.”
Truth: Boundaries can feel safe, but it’s also a wall that keeps love out.

Breaking the Cycle: From Competition to Collaboration

Here’s the shift I help clients make:
Instead of competing over who has it worse, start collaborating on how to make it better. Move from “battle of the sexes” to team building.

What if You Tried This?

Mutual Curiosity: When you feel the urge to prove your point, ask instead, “What has been the hardest part for you in dating/relationships?” and listen without jumping in with your own story right away.

Pain Naming Exercise: Each partner writes down three relationship experiences that shaped their fears. Share them, then reflect on how they impact your current behavior.

The “We” Lens: Before making a decision or having a conversation, ask, “What outcome would serve both of us?”

There Is Hope!

One couple I worked with recently broke the cycle after years of this dynamic. They agreed to stop trying to one up the other. Instead of saying, “You don’t get it,” they started saying, “Help me understand.” They slowly built trust back using honesty, patience, and shared goals. By the time they finished their coaching, they were planning a trip together, they both realized they were exhausted from old thinking patterns.

The Current Reality in 2025

Dating fatigue is real. Most singles feel emotionally drained by dating…. with both men and women vocalizing fear of being used or emotionally hurt.

Loneliness is rising for both genders due to fewer emotional support systems.

Gender roles are shifting and boy are they confusing people. Many are unsure how to “show up” in dating without overstepping, offending, or being perceived in a negative light.

All of these factors make the “pain competition” even more tempting but also more damaging.

Here are tools I give some of my clients to stop competing and start connecting:

Scripts for Healthy Communication

“I’m not trying to outdo your experience. I just want to share how I’ve felt.”

“That sounds painful. How can I support you in feeling safer with me?”

Self-Reflection Questions

Am I listening to understand or to respond?

Do I believe the other person’s pain is real, even if I haven’t lived it?

Try My 4L’s Framework (Language, Lens, Listening, Limits)

Check your Language: Avoid blame words.

Adjust your Lens: See through curiosity, not defense.

Deepen your Listening: Be present, no multitasking.

Hold your Limits: Communicate boundaries without shutting down connection.

Resource to Dive Deeper

My book, Change Your Words to Change Your World has practical tools for communication that actually builds connection.

And Lastly;
You can either guard your pain like it’s a trophy or work on healing your heart so it doesn’t blind you. The first keeps you stuck. The second gets you closer to the love, safety, and partnership you’re actually looking for.