Shifting From Conflict in Relationships to Peaceful Resolutions

Hey there! I want to dig into conflicts and how it throws us for a loop. Whether it’s with your significant other, a close friend, or a family member, disagreements are part of the human experience. But here’s the kicker - it’s not the conflict itself that’s the problem; it’s how we handle it that can make or break a relationship.

First off, let’s get real about where these clashes come from. Misunderstandings, differing values, and unmet expectations are usually the root of conflicts. Picture this: you’re upset because your partner forgot your anniversary. It’s not just about the date; it’s about what that oversight signifies to you - maybe a lack of care or attention.

Communication is your hot ticket. It’s all about expressing your feelings without pointing fingers. Try saying, “I felt hurt when our anniversary slipped your mind,” instead of “You never remember anything important!” See the difference? It’s about sharing your feelings without making the other person the villain.

Now, once you’ve shared your thoughts and feelings, it’s time to zip it and listen. Really listen. This doesn’t look like you are waiting for your turn to speak; it’s about trying to understand where the other person is coming from. Empathy can be your best friend. Try to see the situation from their position - it can be a game-changer.

After both sides have had their say, it’s time to find that sweet spot of compromise. Maybe it’s agreeing to set reminders for important dates or finding a new way to communicate needs such as “We Didn’t Have That Conversation” relationship cards. The goal isn’t for one person to win; it’s for the relationship to win. The hard truth is - sometimes, you won’t see eye to eye, and that’s okay. Disagreeing does not have to equal a lack of respect; you can process each other’s perspectives and agreeing to disagree. This doesn’t mean sweeping issues under the rug; it’s about acknowledging differences and moving forward with respect.

Want to know a secret? The best way to handle conflict is to prevent it from escalating in the first place. Keep the lines of communication open and honest, check in with each other’s feelings, and don’t let small annoyances build up into big issues. However, there are times where despite our best efforts, things can feel a bit too much to handle alone. That’s where folks like me come in - counselors and relationship coaches. There’s no shame in seeking a little guidance to navigate through stormy waters. Just don’t wait too long where it becomes toxic.

Remember, conflicts are not the enemy; they’re opportunities for growth and understanding. It’s all about how you handle them. So, the next time you find yourself in a disagreement, take a deep breath, remember these tips, and steer your relationship ship towards calmer waters. And hey, if you’re looking for more insight on communication and relationships consider the “We Didn’t Have That Conversation” communication cards. They’re all about sparking those meaningful conversations and strengthening bonds. In the meantime, keep those communication lines open and remember, it’s all about love, respect, and understanding.

The Subtle Dance of Communication in Relationships

Today, let's dive into something that's both incredibly simple and complex at the same time – the nuances of communication in relationships.

 Have you ever thought about how communication is like a dance? It's a rhythm between two people, where sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow, and occasionally, you might step on each other's toes. But when done right, it feels safe, peaceful, and enjoyable.

1. The Unspoken Language

First off, let's talk about non-verbal communication. It's not just about what we say, but how we say it. Your partner's body language, the tone of their voice, and even their silence speak volumes. Ever noticed how a simple hug can say more than a thousand words? That's the power of non-verbal cues.

2. Listening

Now, let's give a shoutout to listening – the unsung hero in our communication dance. Active listening isn't just about hearing words; it's about understanding the emotions and meanings behind them. It's about being fully present, respecting your partner enough to give them your undivided attention, and really getting where they're coming from.

3. Speaking Your Truth

Speaking your truth is vital. It's about being honest and open, but also about being aware of your “audience” and respectful. It's not what you say, but how you say it. Remember, it's not about winning an argument; it's about understanding each other and growing togethe

4. Navigating Communication Breakdowns

Let's face it, sometimes the dance gets messy. Misunderstandings happen, and that's okay. The key is not to avoid conflicts but to handle them constructively. Trying to avoid them means you are not addressing the issues and they worsen. It's about finding common ground and turning conflicts into opportunities for growth.

What to Do If You're Not Seeing Improvements??

You've tried, you've practiced, but somehow, you're not making the progress you hoped for in your communication. It's frustrating, but don't lose hope. Here's what you can do:

a. Reflect and Reassess

First, take a step back and reflect. Sometimes, we're so close to the issue that we can't see the whole picture. Ask yourself: Are there underlying issues that haven't been addressed? Sometimes, past hurts or deep-seated fears can block effective communication. It's like having a pebble in your shoe while trying to dance; you need to remove it to move smoothly.

b. Seek New Perspectives

It's okay to seek help. A relationship coach, counselor, or therapist can offer a fresh perspective and guide you through the complexities of communication. They can help identify patterns you might not see and offer strategies tailored to your unique relationship dynamics.

c. Embrace New Techniques

Sometimes, the methods you've been using just aren't the right fit for your relationship. It's like trying to waltz to a hip-hop beat – you need to find the right rhythm. Explore new communication techniques. For instance, try structured dialogues, where each person gets uninterrupted time to speak, or practice reflective listening, where you repeat back what you heard to ensure understanding.

d. Patience and Persistence

Remember, change takes time. It's a process, not an overnight miracle. Be patient with yourself and your partner. Celebrate small victories and understand that setbacks are part of the journey.

e. Rekindle the Connection

Sometimes, improving communication isn't just about talking; it's about reconnecting. Spend quality time together, engage in activities you both enjoy, and remember why you started this dance in the first place. Strengthening your bond can create a more supportive environment for communication.

It's a dance that requires patience, understanding, and a whole lot of love. But trust me, it's worth every step. Finally, remember that mastering the dance of communication is a journey, not a destination. It's about continuous learning, adapting, and growing individually and collectively. It's about building a deeper, more meaningful connection, one conversation at a time.

Redefining Balance: Aiming for Effective Life Management

Let's get one thing straight: the idea of a perfectly balanced life is a myth. As a licensed clinical professional counselor, I've seen firsthand that striving for 'balance' often leads to more frustration than fulfillment. Instead, let's talk about managing life effectively, which is a more realistic and achievable goal.

What Does Effective Life Management Look Like?

Effective life management is about creating a life filled with the resources and activities you value most, without feeling like you're constantly sacrificing one aspect for another. It's not about being the best in the world at something or living on the edge. It's for those of us who want to enjoy various aspects of life, rather than fixating on just one. 

Here are the key components of a life managed effectively:

1. Financial Stability: No, you don't need to be rolling in money, but financial stress can throw everything off-kilter. It's about having enough to meet your needs and fulfill some wants without constant worry.

2. Reliable Transportation: Whether it's your own car, public transit, or a good pair of walking shoes, being able to get where you need to go is crucial.

3. Social Connections: Whether it's one friend or ten, we all need someone in our corner. You can't tackle life solo.

4. Intimate Relationships: This varies for everyone. Some thrive with a partner, while others find fulfillment in other relationships. The key is not to neglect this aspect of your life.

5. Health and Well-being: A healthy mind and body are foundational. While we can't control everything health-wise, we often have more power than we realize.

6. Time Management: If your schedule leaves no room for what you love, it's time to reassess. Enough free time is not a luxury; it's a necessity.

7. Fun and Recreation: Life can't be all work and no play. What brings you joy? Make time for that.

8. Personal Growth: Progress brings satisfaction. Reflect on how you've grown recently – it's vital for a fulfilling life.

9. Career Satisfaction: It's not just about the paycheck. If your job drains you more than it fulfills you, it might be time to rethink.

So, Is Your Life Effectively Managed?

Ask yourself: Do you have the resources and time to care for yourself and your loved ones? Are you able to engage in activities that bring you joy? Do you feel like you're growing personally and professionally? If not, it's time to make some changes.

Remember, it's not about achieving a mythical balance. It's about managing your life in a way that aligns with your values and brings you satisfaction. As we often discuss in my coaching sessions, it's about making intentional choices that lead to a fulfilling life.

Breaking the Silence: Domestic Violence Awareness

October is not just about falling leaves and pumpkin spice; it's also a time to shed light on an issue
that often lurks in the shadows. Domestic Violence Awareness Month is an opportunity to have a
candid conversation about a topic close to my heart.

Understanding Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is a problem that impacts individuals and families across the globe. It can take
many forms, including physical, emotional, financial, and psychological abuse. As someone
passionate about mental health and relationships, addressing this issue is a must.

1. Speaking Out
One of the most critical steps in combating domestic violence is breaking the silence. We must be
willing to talk about it. Victims often suffer in silence due to fear, shame, or the belief that they are
alone in their struggle. It's essential to let them know they're not alone and that there is help
available when they are ready.

2. Supportive Relationships
As a relationship coach, I've seen the transformative power of healthy relationships when people are
in need. Building a strong and safe support system is important. Being able to reach out to friends,
family, or professionals who can provide resources is very valuable.

3. Recognizing the Signs
Educating ourselves and others about the signs of domestic violence is a huge part of prevention.
These signs can include physical injuries, emotional distress, isolation from loved ones, and
controlling behavior by the abuser.

4. Empowering Survivors
Empowering survivors to regain control of their lives is a priority. This often involves therapy,
housing, and assistance with legal matters. As a licensed clinical professional counselor, I understand
the importance of providing survivors with the resources they need to heal.

5. Awareness and Prevention
Preventing domestic violence starts with awareness and education. It's a community effort, and as
you work on building healthy relationships in your community, consider collaborating with
organizations focused on domestic violence prevention.

6. Raising Your Voice
October is a month to raise your voice for those who cannot. Share information on social media,
participate in local events, and engage in conversations about domestic violence. The more we talk
about it, the more lives we can impact positively.

7. Supporting Organizations
Consider supporting organizations within your community that work tirelessly to help survivors of
domestic violence. Whether through donations or volunteering your time and skills, your
contribution can make a significant difference.

8. Prevention Starts Early
Education on healthy relationships should begin early, teaching young individuals the importance of
boundaries, respect, communication, and empathy. By fostering these values, we can help prevent
domestic violence in the future.

Closing Thoughts

As we observe Domestic Violence Awareness Month, let's remember that change starts with
awareness and action. We need to prioritize a world where domestic violence is no longer a hidden
epidemic. By speaking out, supporting survivors, and educating ourselves and others, we can be part
of the solution.
Remember, domestic violence is not just a personal matter; it's a health issue that affects us all.
Together, we can make a difference and help those affected find their path to healing and
empowerment.

Declutter Your Mind and Enjoy Inner Peace

No one has ever complained of having a mind that was too clear and peaceful. We’d all like to feel less cluttered and more peaceful and relaxed. That would be a good problem to have.

Decluttering your mind is largely the result of decluttering all aspects of your life.

We tend allow too many burdens to sit on our minds, but there is a more effective way to live. With a few simple tips, you can reduce the load on your mind and give it the peace it craves.

Try adding these techniques to help yourself take control of your life:

1. Release the challenging people in your life. I’m sure there are some people that take up a lot of space in your brain. Some of those people are optional in your life, and you might not even like them! Why are you keeping them around?

2. Remove unnecessary activities from your life. This could be committees you serve on, sports teams you play on, or going out on Thursday nights. Maybe you’re taking dance or music lessons but evaluate how much you’re enjoying it. If you cut some of these activities, you might give yourself the gift of time.

3. Declutter your environment. Your environment tends to reflect the state of your mind. Your inner peace is impacted by your environment. This includes your workspace, and anywhere else you spend a significant amount of time. Have you ever noticed how nice it feels when your home is clean? You can feel that way all of the time.

4. Meditate. Meditation might be the ultimate way to declutter your mind and enjoy inner peace. Meditation is very simple but challenging to do well. However, it is possible to experience many benefits from meditation even if you’re a beginner. Start with trying 15-20 minutes a day.

5. Write things down. Trying to remember EVERYTHING puts a huge load on your mind. You can never truly relax when you have to remember all the things. Write things down and use alarms. Knowing that something else will keep track of your obligations for you will allow your mind to relax.

6. Mono-task. Forget about multitasking. It is ineffective and actually creates stress. Limit yourself to one task at a time and block out that time, focus on that task. You will likely gain more time back at the end of the day. You’ll feel better and get much more accomplished.

7. Make fewer decisions. The fewer decisions you have to make each day, the more inner peace you’ll experience. Creating routines for your day-to-day life makes things easier. For example, your wardrobe can be set out early. Your breakfast can be planned as well as lunch and dinner if you meal prep.

8. Get more sleep. When your mind is cluttered, you lay there at night thinking of all the things you did not get done. If you know you need 7-8 hours of sleep; set a bedtime routine as well as a wake routine. Having an expectation of when you will begin your wind down may help prepare your mind to rest.

9. Limit your exposure to the news and social media. The news and social media will add to the clutter in your mind. While it is important to stay aware of what is happening in the world, you don’t have to bombard yourself with the negative information before resting. Intentionally take what you need and turn away from the rest.

Treat your mind like you would an injured body part. You would reduce the amount of work it has to do and treat it gently. Most of us ask our minds to do more than it should on a regular basis.

Intentionally give your mind a break and restore the peace you crave and need!

Five Tips to Create a Present Moment Mindset

Our lives have been so chaotic and busy, we are so focused on the past and the future that we tend to forget to simply be in the moment.

The present is happening right now! We take it for granted and don’t appreciate the smallest elements of life that make it powerful and special.

Have you ever considered training yourself to stop and be in the moment, finding inner peace and tranquility?

Try these tips to live more in the present moment:

1. Focus entirely on a specific moment. Stop everything you are doing and concentrate on one thing only. This allows you to ground yourself and completely clear your mind of everything but the present moment.

• For example, make a cup of coffee or tea and consider how it tastes when you drink it. Concentrate on how warm the cup feels in your hands. Consider the blend of flavors. What’s the temperature as it touches your lips?

• All goals, concerns, and objectives should leave your mind. By focusing on one moment, you will be able to appreciate and enjoy the simpler things in life. You’ll feel calmer, more at peace.

2. Turn off your phone. Screens are an important part of our lives. But we are constantly going down the rabbit hole of our emails or social media. Take some disconnect from your phone or tablet.

• Disconnecting for a short time will allow you to focus on what you’re doing in the present moment. Pay more attention to the people, places or things around you. Engage in discussion, focusing on nothing but the conversation or the activity.

3. Go for a walk. A walk is one of the best ways to achieve a present moment mindset. It allows you to clear your head of unnecessary or intrusive thoughts and concerns for a short time.

• As you walk, consider where you are. Appreciate how the ground feels beneath you and what the temperature of the air might be. Pay attention to your breathing, the movement of your body and the cadence of your steps.

• Think about the sounds of nature and isolate all other distractions. This will allow tranquil, calming thoughts to fill your mind as you enjoy being outside and concerning yourself only with what is around you.

4. Consider what you appreciate in the present moment. Tap into gratitude. Take some time out to write, think about, or even record a list of things you appreciate.

• For example, you might appreciate your family, friends, your job, or your house. Did you get to eat a meal today?

• Think about what brings you joy in the present moment and this will allow you to feel a sense of positivity, warmth, and excitement.

5. Consider your senses. We take our senses for granted. Smell, taste, hearing, touch, and sight allow us to experience the joys of life. They are so powerful and important and yet many of us don’t take the time to appreciate them.

• Allow yourself to clear your mind, thinking of nothing but how your body and senses are responding to the world around you. Be mindful of your energy. This will allow you to be present in the moment, to fully experience that moment.

By taking some time out of your day to fully be present, you will find yourself happier,calmer, and more grateful for the smaller parts of life. We could all gain something from taking a moment to stop, think, and enjoy every second of our day.

Be You Be True

Authenticity is underrated. It’s more than being honest with the world. It’s about being honest with yourself. When you allow yourself to be yourself, you’ll no longer feel the need to change your words and actions to impress others.

Before you can be authentic, you must know or begin to discover who YOU really are. What are your values, beliefs, and goals? Authenticity becomes possible when you know what’s important to you.

Here are some ways to remove your mask, embrace your authenticity, and present yourself honestly:

Give up the need to appear perfect. 

Excellent is good enough. When you aren’t wasting your energy attempting to appear perfect, you’re in the position to be honest. No one can be perfect and honest at the same time. Avoid putting on a show for the rest of the world. You’ll only feel bad about yourself later.

Know your values and live by them. 

If you know your values and live by them consistently, you’re already aiding in maintaining your authenticity.

Make a list of your values and determine the five that are most important to you. Are you living your life according to these values? Would it be obvious to others that you hold these values?
Decide to make your decisions based upon your values. Be willing to share your values with others.

Notice when you’re not being authentic.

 This is the moment when you feel like putting your metaphorical “mask”on. You might find yourself transforming based on the situation you are in or the people you are around. Are you being authentic or pretending to be someone you’re not?

Take note of those times your authenticity starts to wane

Know your goals. 

What do you want out of life? Do you know? Are you willing to let others know? By knowing your goals, you can you live your life accordingly.

Make a list of your short-term and long-term goals. 

How well do they align with your values?

What are your defining characteristics? 

This questions begins to answer “Who am I, really?” 

Now ask yourself if a casual acquaintance would describe you the same way? How about someone that knows you well? How about your closest friend?

If there aren’t many people whose idea of you matches up with your idea of you, ask yourself why. If you’re living authentically, it should be easy for someone to develop an accurate opinion of you.

Tell the truth. 

If you’re being authentic, why would you need to lie? 

This pertains especially to anything you say about yourself. Admit your mistakes, weaknesses, and frailties. Share your opinions honestly and freely.

Simplify your life. 

Get rid of everything that’s extraneous. What you choose to keep will be representative of your preferences and your true self. Find your true essence by stripping away the non-essential. 

Start with the clothes you never wear, the things you never use, and the activities you don’t enjoy. Only keep the things that mean the most to you.

Do what you say you’ll do. 

Keep your word and follow through on your promises. You’ll feel more congruent, and others will view you as more congruent. When your words and actions match, you’re demonstrating authenticity.

Life becomes easier when you’re living authentically. You’ll no longer feel the exhaustion that comes with constantly changing your opinions, attitudes, and personality to please others. You’ll no longer feel the need to protect yourself from others. Be authentic with your thoughts, words, and actions. Invest the time in yourself and learn to be free.

I Nourish My Body, Mind, and Spirit.

We tend to forget that our wellbeing, physical, mental, and spiritual, should be at the forefront of our minds.

We use healthy food and water to nourish our bodies, knowledge and information to feed our minds, and love for ourselves, for others, and the things we enjoy to uplift our spirits. 

Use these “I” affirmations to pursue your well-being on a daily basis.

“I use everything this universe offers to be strong. 

I use what is necessary to sustain and maintain my health and body. 

I cherish myself, so nourishment is important. It keeps me alive and strong. It helps me accomplish great things and help others. 

The nourishment I pick keeps the cells in my body healthy and the thoughts in my mind positive. 

I practice self-care because it is also part of my nourishment. I do what I can to take care of myself each day. 

I laugh and look for joy. I sing and enjoy music. I spend time with friends. I look for opportunities to expand my worldview. I seek out new information to make my mind stronger. 

Today, I use many tools and methods to nourish myself. From a healthy diet to keep my body strong to prayer to strengthen my faith, I discover tools each day that enhance my life as I give my mind, body, and spirit what they crave.”

It is okay to not be sure of what you need, but that is when you must have a conversation with yourself.

Ask yourself…

1. How can I take time for myself and still find time to help others?

2. What are the best things to nourish my body, mind and spirit?

3. Where can I find nourishment for my brain?

7 Ways to Enhance Your Communication With Your Partner

Relationships are often easy in the beginning. However, the fun of a new passionate experience tends to wane over time. Not to say your relationship will lose its passion, but as we settle into a long relationship a new dynamic is developed that is not reliant on puppy-love phase.

This is when communication becomes an imperative part of the relationship. Communication maintains and builds closeness. It also helps to avoid many of the misunderstandings and avoidable drama that plague many relationships. If the communication with your partner is poor, it’s only a matter of time before the relationship greatly suffers. The best time to begin working on your communication with your partner is before you need it.

Use these strategies to enhance your relationship by enhancing your communication:

1. Ask more questions. Questions are a powerful communication tool. They accomplish so much with so little effort.
   

   Questions show interest. By asking a question, you’re implying that you care. People like it when you demonstrate that you care.
   

   Questions help to remove confusion and ambiguity. Rather than make assumptions and potentially create a bigger issue, just ask a question and verify what is happening.
   

   Questions aren’t a lot of work. Just ask the question, be quiet, and listen. You can be quite the skilled conversationalist just by asking a couple of good questions. Asking good questions can make all of your relationships more rewarding.
   

2. Listen. Half of communication is listening. When it’s your partner’s turn to talk, listen. Most people don’t really listen. All they want to do is speak. Listening is often seen as simply waiting for another opportunity to talk, but this is a huge mistake. People are well aware whether you’re listening or just biding your time.
   

3. Communicate your needs. Don’t make it difficult for your partner to know what you need from them. Tell them! There’s no reason to make it a secret. Make it easy for others to help you and to make you happy.
   

   Communicating your needs is one of the best things you can do for yourself and your relationship.

4. Spend more time together. It’s important to share some of the same experiences. It helps you to learn more about each other and gives you something to talk about. Shared experiences provide the opportunity for better bonding. What are some things that you both like to do?
   

5. Avoid assumptions. Assumptions unnecessarily create additional challenges in all relationships. It’s easier to be 100% certain than to guess. Assumptions lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. If you’re not sure about something, ask.
   

6. Address the situation rather than attack your partner. If your partner is doing something you don’t like, address what they are doing. This is much more effective than attacking your partner. No one likes to be attacked. It shuts down communication and creates animosity.
   

7. Have fun together. Do fun activities together. Do things together that are enjoyable. Communication is easier when everyone is having a good time. You’ll like each other more if you can have fun with each other. If all the time you spend together is miserable, your relationship and your communication will suffer.
   

Better communication with our partners is something that we know we need, but it’s not always obvious how to accomplish it.

Fortunately, the basics are easy to accomplish. Spend more meaningful time together, focus on being an excellent listener, and communicate your needs. These simple steps can enhance your relationship significantly.

A meaningful relationship is worth the effort. Make your communication with your partner a priority.

Invisible Illness

This month we focused on giving a voice to those with invisible illness. People with diseases that do not alert others that a person is struggling physically to carry out daily living activities, social activities, and professional goals. These issues are typically managed in the privacy of the home, in isolation, but the impact it has on interpersonal relationships is unmeasurable. The level of support a person with an invisible illness requires often falls flat. The isolation is a byproduct of trying to provide self-care which is mostly misunderstood. The cancelled events and the miscommunicated non-verbal and seeming disengagements are often offensive to others. This can be overwhelmingly frustrating to significant others, friends, and family.

Those suffering in silence get it.

Invisible illnesses are not only physical but mental as well. Most of the time the people you interact with throughout your day may be struggling with mental health crises all the time. You don’t know because their medication helps them “appear normal” or they have just learned how to present themselves to seem “fine”. Normal works for society. Normal helps reduce the questions. Normal benefits others, but trying to keep it all steady is a feat for the ailed person. The fear of being labeled, judged, exiled, and watched is unnerving. Taking medication to show up “normal” for others is tiring and can wreak more havoc than the illness itself.

Communication can help heal the misunderstandings. We all have an opportunity to be compassionate, understanding, and forgiving because we haven’t a clue what another person may be experiencing. We do not know what they had to endure to show up for work, to participate in a meeting, to teach a class, to take your order, to fix your cable, or even to leave the house.

Everyone deserves an advocate and today serves as a reminder to those without the trouble of living with an invisible illnesses that the only thing requested is grace. Grace for those that despite what you see, are coming out of a storm or preparing themselves for the next crisis.